Writer Casually Admits to Adding Mayonnaise to His Coffee, Twitter Freaks Out

Let us make this as clear as it can be. You can add a lot of things to your coffee. You can add the basics—your milks, creams, half and halfs, and sugars. You can add standard variations on the basics—your almond milks, your soy, your stevia. You can add flavorings like hazelnut, French vanilla, caramel, butter pecan, mocha, coconut, and so on and so forth. You can add espresso. You can add foamed milk. You can add ice. You can add syrup. In short, you can add a lot.

You can even add butter.

You can add wine, for f***s sake.

But do you know what you cannot, and absolutely 100 percent should NOT add to your coffee?

Mayonnaise.

“Well, duh,” you might think to yourself. “Why would you even need to make a big deal about that?”

Because apparently, NO ONE told this guy:

This is Jim Salisbury, sportswriter for CSN Philly and individual soon-to-be tried for crimes against humanity. He revealed this kernel of information when someone asked if cottage cheese was an acceptable replacement for milk in mac and cheese (in case you're wondering, the answer is no). While it’s bad enough that he chimed in about adding mayo to his coffee, it’s made all the worse by his tepid “not bad” endorsement.

The taste is not the issue here, Jim. The issue is using mayonnaise, a product made from eggs yolks and vinegar, as a substitute for half-and-half. Just because they’re both white and creamy-ish, does not mean you can swap one for the other. Half and half is not the same as mayonnaise, the same way it’s not the same as whipped cream, ricotta cheese, mashed potatoes, or melted marshmallows. Fortunately, the Internet let him have it.

And kept letting him have it.

And kept letting him have it.

And if you're thinking, "Wow, that's a lot of backlash," you're right. But hopefully that shame is enough to slow your hand should you ever consider putting MAYONNAISE in COFFEE.

Whew. We need to go get some air.