Quin-whaaa?!

Last week saw Travis squeak through a Judges' Table at the expense of Janine, who made Hanoi-d shrimp. Given her accent the little creatures thought they were destined for the "barbie." The poor little crustaceans never saw it coming when the merciless Aussie fried all thoughts of tenderness out of them. Alas, there is some redemption to be had and Janine has emerged victorious in the first Last Chance Kitchen, which you can watch HERE.

There are lots of tears in the Stew Room. “I feel like we failed her,” says Sara, momentarily forgetting that this is a competition where one chef will take home a big check. None of this fazes Travis, who has planned much, much bigger life events to happen during his 15 minutes of fame: Travis is proclaiming to the world beyond his friends and his mother that he is gay. During a commercial break, the many variations of “It Gets Better” speeches that have become the soundtrack to their suburban home are finally making sense to his father, the one person that Travis has not told this important news to. Hopefully his pops responds with a hearty, “Big deal. All good. Love you no matter what.” 

Did you know that the first commercial use for aluminum foil was Life Savers? This is what the Wikipedia told me. The chefs walk in for the Quickfire and everything is wrapped in Reynolds Wrap, and Carlos is wondering who would do such a thing. We are reminded of the past season where they did a similar experiment and even John Tesar was fooled by the pineapple wrapped in foil thing. “Pineapple! Oh, Jesus.” Really John?

Padma and Gail have brought their moms. Awwwww. The chefs get split down to groups allied to Gail and groups pro-Padma, and then the moms are tasked with speed shopping for all the ingredients and tools. Nobody grabs the foil-wrapped Hosea in the corner. 

The chefs are unpacking the foil mess and making swans. There are a lot of different things on the tables, and there seems to be a conspiracy to give Nina’s group all of the ingredients that no one can find a home for. Her soup is about to become a halfway house for wayward ingredients. Carlos is finding maternal inspiration, pulling at our heartstrings as he is apt to do. He is the chef who seems to be garnering the most compassion from viewers, but that may change. He was a bit too nervous last episode, and America doesn’t like a softie who can’t make a decision. But we all are still cheering him on. Like aluminum foil, there is a shiny side and there is a matte side. If Carlos is our shiny, then the King of Krazy, Michael, is hands down the matte. Right now he is babbling on about something, but I have an all-time high resistance to him, so I don’t even hear him talk. It’s my form of television Darwinism. 

Michael and the Little Grocer, Justin, are cooking something en papillote, which means cooking in a sealed steam environment of parchment paper, which was a massive missed opportunity to get bonus points for cooking something in foil.  

As the challenge winds down, we have plates on the table, thanks to Alpha leader Sara. Let’s see what we got:

Sara and Stephanie: Lamb chops, fonduta, mushrooms. Corn. Stuff. Gail’s mama says the lamb is nicely cooked. 

Justin and Michael: Red Snapper en Papillote with Rice Pilaf. Sake to me. The two generations of ladies love it. 

Carrie, Louis, Shirley: Buratta, apples, balsamic sabayon. Nothing really to hear on the eating. Something about Carrie’s arm about to fall off. Looks pretty classic. And good. 

Carlos and Travis: Clams Poached with Fish Sauce and Coconut. Asian Mexican spice fest. After being on the firing line last episode, this may be a redemption dish for both of them.

Nick and Patty: Snapper and Branzino with Mustard Vinaigrette. Citrus explosion gets a “very nice.” Perhaps Patty has been purposefully losing to hide the fact that she is a shark. A shark trained by David Burke. 

Bene, Brian, and Nina: Soup. Beans, chiles, cherries, okra. Looks very strange. Too many ingredients. “Train wreck,” says Justin, and no one, and I mean no one, disagrees. 

The win goes to Team Padma. 10K is endowed to the scholarship fund called “Shoes for Bene.”

Lea Michele gleefully races in. Stephanie Cmar wants to hang with Lea. Well, duh, who wouldn’t want to do that? Just hang out and once in a while break into song? Bliss I tell you. 

Michael got laid once when he dressed up as a pregnant nun. Some people just say strange things to socially ostracize themselves from the pack. Michael is the poster child of those people.  

They break up into teams they really don’t want to be on, and they then talk to Lea Michelle about her vegan dream diet, which turns out not to be really vegan at all. She likes to branch out. Cheese is her favorite. Things that are a party in your mouth.  So teams of two and they are cooking a dish per team member, so if you are following me that’s two different dishes per team. If you are not following me, you should go get some coffee, take a break, and then loop back in when you can concentrate. Oh, and it’s a Halloween costume party. Think scary. 

Whole Foods run around. Some teams are happy and some are really not. Michael is making balls. Fried balls that will weigh Nina down. Prep is occurring. Tom drops in on this scary cooking fest. Lots of rice balls happening. Tom bids them adieu until tomorrow.

If you harken back to what Lea likes and dislikes it’s kind of important. 

Likes: Italian, Mexican, vegan lifestyle, cheese, vegetables, parties in mouth, spice, and maybe Mexican men. 

Dislikes: Beets. sweets. 

Nick is taking a Plan B approach because of what the competition of Michael and Nina are doing. Brian and Bene are doing a spooky spa cuisine. All spa cuisine is spooky to me. Michael is battling with Nina. Michael is a boisterous soul and a born rabble-rouser. 

Time finishes, so they go out looking for haunted houses. Brian has a plan to meet any horror movie scenario.  

So here we go. Spooky. Shirley and Louis have the best chemistry and Michael and Nina have the worst. Michael calls Nina Boo Boo a lot, which is his way of making sure we understand that he finds her talented, but still a girl. Really. It is. It’s kind of gross. Anyhow, my view is that regardless of the box she checks on the census, she could beat him in all competitions, except the Who’s Krazy Olympiad. Just saying. Maybe he’ll surprise me. Maybe he won’t.  

The judges enter and someone named Charlotte has given me a Prince Charming outfit. She sent me this picture in advance to set my mind at ease for how I would be dressed. No joke -- she really did. 

I still adore her, but this is a really suspect outfit. I feel like a weirdo. I mean I am a weirdo, but this is not helping. Just so you know, I am neither charming, nor a prince. 

Padma and I wander around eating vittles and talking to the locals. It’s a great group of people in a very interesting room. The chefs overall have done pretty well with some really making great vittles and some reaching ho-hum. Tom is dressed like Gatsby, but he really just looks like Tom in a boater. He has some competition in the Gatsby department when our big boss man, Andy Cohen slides in and starts calling everyone “Sport.” Lea is dressed like a cat, but an adult cat. Padma is dressed like a voodoo priestess. I am itchy, and the pins that hold my XXL Prince Charming outfit to my body are poking me in odd places. You know that feeling when you are going through pain, but kind of enjoy it? That’s me right now.  

So we eat:

Black Team - Carrie: Charred Chicory puree, mushrooms, and black garlic

Black Team - Stephanie: Leek, ash vegetables, and fontina fonduta

I just like saying Fontina Fonduta. Ash is all the rage these days with the decline in smoking… we gotta get that carbon from somewhere. Both dishes are really tasty. They worked well as a team and have put out good stuff, which appealed to the hostess, Lea. 

Yellow Team - Nicholas: Butternut Cannoli with Ricotta Salata

Yellow Team - Patty: Lemon Arancini

Arancini is a fried risotto ball, and we are about to see a lot of them. But Patty is finally doing good with this one. She killed it. Nick did good too. He saw another chef doing gnocchi, and he changed course very successfully. 

Green Team - Brian: Quinoa salad with mushroom espuma and some cobweb thing

Green Team - Bene: Heirloom Tomato Salad with wilted kaleYou know how you are supposed to eat spa food cause it’s good for you but no one wants to actually eat the stuff? This was that to the nth degree. Just a strange choice to make. Brian’s espuma was kind of flat, where usually they are aerated to a foam. Bene’s salad, though he will later plead that he seasoned it, was really drastically underseasoned. Tomatoes just don’t shine without some salt. 

Orange Team - Nina: Gnocchetti with kale pesto and squash

Orange Team - Michael: Arancini thing.

This is one of those times when the Sesame Street song, “One of These Things is not Like the Other” gets stuck in my head. Nina’s was amazing. Smart, executed perfectly. Michael’s was not great. Blah. Boring. Sweet tomato sauce. 

Red Team - Travis: Vegetable Ceviche

Red Team - Carlos: Goat cheese fondue with fried zucchini

Slutty Santa has come through. Really refreshing. Hot though. Good hot. Carlos is killing it too. 

Blue Team - Louis:  Braised Quinoa thumb thing

Blue Team - Shirley: Hand cut noodles, pickled daikon

I understand that Lea Michele is vegan, but this Quinoa thing has got to end. Now, it was a better rendition than Brian’s quinoa things but still. Shirley’s was pretty good but also kind of something you would find at the buffet at the health food store. 

Grey Team - Justin: Beet pasta with green tomatoes

Grey Team - Sara: Arancini. New profile. Mo-rockin’.

Pasta was strange. Not horrible but kind of weird. Arancini was fine. If I see another ball of fried rice, then I am outta here. 

Stew room starts with Carlos praying, because at this point it can’t hurt, can it? Then the chefs get to watch us weigh in on what just happened. Reactions are mixed because the food was mixed. 

Tops are Nicholas and Patty and also Travis and Carlos. In this challenge though Red reigned supreme. Carlos and Travis worked it and won. Carlos thinks he really now has a shot with Lea. He can still dream. You can never take that away from him. 

Bottoms are Orange, Michael and Nina, and also Green, Brian and Bene. It’s hard to lose as a team. Lea did not want spa cuisine. She wanted party food, and no party starts with quinoa, at least none I really yearn to attend. 

Michael leaves the show with some uncomfortable hugging. He feigns shooting himself on re-entering the kitchen, and there is an odd quiet to the crowd. 

Be well, Michael. You are a live wire. 

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