Carole Thinks This Has Gone F.U.B.A.R.

F.U.B.A.R.
FUBAR is a term I learned when I was in Afghanistan, covering the war. It's a military term that was adopted by pop culture, an acronym for "f---ed up beyond all repair." Watching this episode, beginning with the crazy yelling match at LuAnn's and ending in a barn, felt strange. The flashbacks as the Dreschers drove upstate were bittersweet. There's a shot of me glancing out the car window last season worrying about the rooftop bar and Aviva's fear of heights. There's also a scene of me meeting Reid for the first time. He was wearing a plaid shirt, if I remember right, and we were laughing about wedding rings. I could never have imagined what was ahead. FUBAR.

Right now I'm on a plane flying back from North Carolina. I was here to speak to a group of people -- teachers and local business men and women -- who were raising money for an adult literacy program in Greenville. They were all committed to teaching adults about the importance and joy of reading. It was great to visit with them and share my stories.

Sigh. I don't even know what to write any longer. It's the same broken record with Vivvy. I'm bored of it and you must be, too. She defamed me, now she says she's going to defame Heather. She'll probably start passing poison apples out soon.

Reid is pitching in now, ganging up on me in the Drescher slander/smear campaign, and he's also implicating Simon & Schuster. I’m surprised he would engage in this at all, I'd think he would know better. I expect Reid to understand the nuance of business relationships and slander. Imagine if I went on the show and told Ramona or Kristen that word on the street is Reid’s client’s are suing him for misappropriation of funds, or that word on the street is the SEC is investigating his business practices. Hey you guys, there’s a lot of gossip going around. There are a whole bunch of words, on lots of streets! I would think Reid would understand the implications of what he is saying, even if his wife is clueless. But no.

I continue to have an excllent working relationship with Aviva's publishing house (Simon and Schuster), who is also my publisher. We are in agreement that what the Dreschers have said has no merit or credibility. All of this is a sad and desperate attempt to try to cover up Avivvy's own deceit, and also help her seem relevant on our show. I have nothing more to say about it.

I'd rather talk about dessert.

Some Things Even Dessert Can't Fix
I love Heather. Have I said that? She does not back down from a fight. Min-the-Minotaur, Vivaca's sidekick, isn't able to stand without grabbing a wall but she's sober enough to stick her unharnessed breasts into everyone's business.

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But first, "Girls, dessert!" I think that's my favorite line of the episode. LuAnn is pushing the cake, she was right to. I had a piece and it was excellent. Had I screamed, "Let them eat cake!" and stormed out with a scepter, this scene might have been interesting. Instead I'm in the background trying to reason with delusion. I feel like a Kafka character: nothing makes sense, no way out. None of it stops LuAnn from presenting the fruit tart! She's a true countess, nobility at its best. She should be presiding over a glittery 18th-century French salon with Balzac at her elbow, Proust in a corner drinking tea. Instead she has to escort a strange and drunken party guest -- Min-Minny-me -- out of her room. We aren't worthy of Lu. I don’t think she realizes how funny she is. We had our differences last season, but have gotten to know each other much better and I am smitten.

A toast, a toast, my Kingdom for a snotty lousy toast. Viva is obnoxious, so naturally she gives an obnoxious toast. What is a "well-wisher," by the way? Have you ever heard this word used so much? Does Viv-a-craze consider herself a "well-wisher"? If she is a well-wisher it means that she wishes happiness and success for me. That's where I get confused. Because she didn't congratulate me or wish me anything when I sold my novel, though I did when she got her book deal. And that's fine. But now, still, a year after filming these scenes, she won't back off her aggressive campaign in the press to insult and revile me and my work. She's tried to age-shame me, and has been disrespectful about my late husband's family. She's insulted every single woman on the show. Does Viva-voom celebrate or well-wish any woman? Well . . .let's think. Her ghostwriter is a woman, but she pretends she doesn't exist. Hmm. Now she's talking about "defaming" Heather. (She'll say anything to get attention.) No wonder Heather was outraged, she knew she was next. Vam-bien thinks she’s got something on Heather. Ooh. Scary. We all know it's BS.

I want to add this Addendum to Lu's book, Class with the Countess (I'm her ghostwriter!): "Leave Your Dentures at Home but Bring the Cake."

Vivs-biz is so tired of all the drama that she has to get her skin lasered off. The drama is building up on her face, it's not a good look. No one is talking about this except for her, and now her husband, and Sonja. Shut. Up. Already.

Vivvy D. has gleefully cast herself as the villain in our little world. She's playing a character she has clearly relished scripting, from her campy pulp dialogue to her pseudo-dramatic pose -- arms flapping, hair flung side to side. I'm glad she enjoys it. At a distance, it's comic relief. Close up, it’s well. . .you tell me. I know her ambitions are high but she makes me think of a Roald Dahl character. I can picture she and Reid 20 years from now, after kids and cameras are gone, as Dahl's crabby couple the Twits. Alone and twitching around, trading wormy plates of spaghetti and their grumpy little jabs.

I promise all of you still watching that she eventually stops playing the victim. . .of this drama anyway.

Mermaid Parade
I felt so honored when the Coney Island Association asked me to be Queen of the Mermaid Parade this past year. Okay, I wasn’t exactly their first choice, Norah Jones was. But she was busy making albums, touring, and being the fabulous Norah Jones so I got the gig. Judah was their first pick for King Neptune, and he was perfect.

For the past 31 years Coney Island has been home to the Mermaid parade, an annual summer event that has become the nation’s largest art parade. Last year it was in danger of being canceled -- an aftereffect of Hurricane Sandy. Coney Island USA, the non-profit that organizes the parade, lost its main source of fundraising when its museum was flooded by the hurricane. So the organizers asked me to participate in their Kickstarter campaign to raise the funds needed to keep it alive. They raised nearly $120,000.

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I attended my first Mermaid parade eight years ago and I loved it so much I bought a mermaid skirt. (Moschino was doing a mermaid inspired line that year!) It hung in my closet for years; it's hard to wear a mermaid skirt around town even if it is Moschino. But it was perfect for Kristen.

The parade is June 21st this year. Go to their website for more information. It is a once in a lifetime experience!

Becky
It's hard for me to reconcile the double-teaming couple so at ease lobbing slander at my face, with the two people driving upstate to confront a childhood trauma. But this is a very touching and moving scene. It's a glimpse of the woman I thought I met two years ago. Maybe she will return.

The Widow's Guide to Sex and Dating is available here.

What Remains is available here.