Horror Movies, Good; Horror Dates, Bad

The Human Centipede and the Hip Hop Hero

When I was a kid, I LOVED old school Universal horror movies (still do) - Creature From the Black Lagoon, The Mummy, Wolfman, Dracula and, of course, Frankenstein. So you’d think I’d be excited to meet a real-life Dr. Frankenstein. Well… I wasn’t. Creepier than any horror movie I’ve ever watched: meet Dr. Alex. A porn-associated doctor with a cut-happy blade, Dr. Alex turns women into works of “art.” From their vaginas to their boobs, Dr. Alex is one-stop shop. He’s also my client.

Reluctantly, I took him on – and of course Patti and Rachel had their gag reflex tested while they watched his video. Rachel’s guy, Steve, a white, bald, hip-hop producer, initially didn’t seem much better either. After some wrap-up and complaining, I sent Patti to her possible demise: a meeting with Dr. Alex. The meeting went as “expected,” but we have a job to do… and do it well we do.

Our recruiting session went spectacularly (thank you, Mara) and the girls were perfect for the gents. Well, except for the one who thought we were calling her Drunk. Not drunk as in “You’re drunk” but as in “Is your name Drunk?” Yeah, occasionally a few wackadoos sneak in. In retrospect, she may have been perfect for Dr. Alex. “Good morning, Honey. What’s this on my chest? Did you make my boobs bigger again and I didn’t notice? Oh, you.” The mixer goes well. Steve’s a hit and my new favorite client. Dr. Alex pulls himself out of a non-complimenting spiral and the guys pick their dates. Dr. Alex’s master date, Valerie, is SO SWEET and totally buys into his game… until, that is, he takes her back to his place and has a giant-boobed creature from another planet serve them ass-cake (possibly complete with pieces of real ass!). The Boobzilla, not only made a CHOCOLATE butt desert, but decided it would be fun to feed it to Dr. Alex lovingly by hand IN FRONT OF HIS DATE. Not even the doctor from The Human Centipede (you know, where he captures people, experiments on them, and then sews their mouths to another’s hind quarters) has that little class.

Anywho, Dr. Alex’s date comes crying back to me. I settle her down and bring her to Patti so we can all chat and call the good doctor out on his doo-doo. He doesn’t get it, storms out to the parking lot, and probably back into the arms of his latest creation (my guess: the three-breasted girl from Total Recall). Patti, Rachel, and I take care of the young lass and set her up with a nice boy that doesn’t play with knives.

As for Rachel’s client, Steve… I’m still waiting on that music contract.