Carole on The World According to Drescher

All the World is A Stage, Etc.
I'm reading How To Read Literature Like a Professor because it's all about stories and that's what I do -- my business, my career, my day-to-day life -- how I make a living is telling stories. When I get an assignment (my most recent one, a piece on Nascar -- stay tuned!) the first part is collecting information. The second, and most important part, is telling a story.

Every once in awhile, I need a reminder of this. We're all the stories we tell ourselves. When I watch these episodes, which six women filmed for a television show that all of you (thanks!) watch, I think of that.

Every Trip is a Quest (Except When It's Not)
We also have many trips (quests). This week it's to the Hamptons and the quest, brilliantly highlighted by the fireworks backdrop of Fourth of July, is: Let's All Get Along. But why must everyone always get along? I thought that rule ended in grade school. Why are we obligated to build bridges to people we'd simply rather not have in our lives? For all the drama and posturing by all the other women it's simple -- My fragile friendship with Aviva could not withstand her lies and insults. There was a time I thought it might.

The Palace is Crumbling
I wish Woody Allen had cast Sonja in an alternate version of Blue Jasmine. It wouldn't have been sad, Sonja would never have run out of vodka, and she would have been a much more spunky roommate. She could have brought her sharpies and spiffed up everything in that apartment. She'll always bring a cute dog and she doesn't mind sharing her water glass with anyone else's. The palace might go down, but Sonja will always find hot water.

Soap, Soap, My Kingdom For Some Soap
It's so ironic that Aviva curses in front of her kids while she has them make soap. (We're all nothing without irony.) I've never been to a craft store but it doesn't seem like a place to say "shut the f--- up" while your young children make soap out of wax. I thought Kristen was really sweet in this scene. Did I miss something? She wanted to be friends, outside of whatever Aviva has going on with anyone else. She sincerely did and told me numerous times. Why did she have to shut the f--- up? I feel for Kristen. This is what I've experienced with Viva. You don't know what you'll get with her. Sure, drama comes to her, drifts in on random wind gusts and sticks. None of the rest of us ever quite know, though, when it will.

If there's a hypocrite, it's Aviva D. (Is it too late for me to add hypocrite to my list?) She can say whatever she wants and she can characterize a conversation as rape. She can call people trash, slander careers, and ridicule women for their age but the rest of us have to Shut The F--- Up. Ummm. Okey-doke.

Trust me, it's as frustrating to be with her as it is for all of you to watch her.

Parenthood
I always think if I'd had kids that I'd manage them like I do my dog Margaret: camps, playdates, naps, and lots of snacks. They'd all be fat. When I'm in Los Angeles, most of my time there is spent at home with Margaret. We have breakfast, go to the dog park, take an afternoon nap, and then do dinner and TV time. I love the mindless activity of it all, it's a nice break from the hustle of New York. But I have an unhealthy disposition to order and control. I never, in my imaginary parenting scenarios with actual children, picture a situation where my children suffer from something that I'm unable to fix or control like what Heather is facing. I've spent a lot of time with Jax and I have to remind myself that he has serious medical issues. All I see is a sweet little kid full of mischief, playfulness, and love. He is wise beyond his years.

Watching Heather and Jonathan face their challenges with Jax, and seeing such a strong woman rendered helpless, is heartbreaking.

It's the 4th, again.
Ramona throws a good backyard BBQ, except when she's tracking down her guests one by one to tell them how angry she is because they did, um, nothing wrong! Her conversation with Sonja got my attention. Did I hear her tell Sonja that is was wrong of her to say negative things she had heard about Sonja's Caburlesque performance? And that once you say something like that and it's out there you can't take it back? Did she just apologize to Sonja? HOLLA! It takes Avs a year now, and counting, to get this simple concept. She may speak 87 languages but the language of friendship is foreign to her.

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I'm with Sonja all the way until LuAnn gives her constructive criticism. Her act did need polish, and a good friend told her this in a nice way. But then -- quel horreur! -- the outrage. The minute Lu leaves, Sonja behind-her-back insults her. Constructive criticism vs. behind the back insult? You decide.

Life’s a Beach
Okay, I’ll be the first to say it: I look like Meryl Streep in the opening scene of Mamma Mia right now. I’m not sure that it's a good look at 50 (Yes, 50 and fabulous!), but I make up for the fashion faux pas in the next scene in black netted vintage Alaia. I’m getting ahead of myself.

I'm really glad the girls all think we should get over this "book thing." In Reality world it's been three whole weeks! (In my real world it was a year ago, and now I don't give a damn about any of this but I'm obligated to write about this current episode, so there's that.)

By the way, did anyone notice that on the show I'm the only one who doesn't want to talk about the "book thing"?

Aviva trampled on everything I hold dear. Not only my career, but specifically a book I wrote about my life with my late husband and dedicated to him. A book that records our life together, for better and for worse, and then his death. A book that I not only wrote, but also lived. You get that, right?

Let me put it this way, it’s not a "book thing" it's a life thing. Of everyone, I would have thought Drescher would have understood that. Ladies, in all the hundreds of hours of tape of me you won't find a single frame of me talking badly about anything you hold dear.

The "book thing" was essentially cannon fodder for reality drama. Vivs used it to make a storyline and promote Leggy Blonde -- a book I've very courteously not said one bad word about either on the show or in the press or on social media, even as she still continues to trash me and mine.

Whatever, this is Housewives, after all. To bitch is the thing. And whether you love to hate it or hate to love it, it's a story. So please ladies, yes let's get over this "book thing" and move on to more important issues like who wasn’t invited to the party, whether or not Sonja will take her act on the road, and what exactly defines a good blowie.

Speaking of blowies. . .

Where Have I Seen Her Before?
Vivs says I can literally not let go. Okay, duh! Mario is trying to find cute guys for me. Why would I want to run off with Aviva? I barely even catch this guy's name before Viva-va grabs my arm. So yes, I pinched through Mario's skin like someone falling overboard who doesn't want to get swept out to sea. I'm done with books and gates and ghosts. It's slanderous, ridiculous, and boring. I'm also done with Avvi. Can you tell? She's so insincere, and yes, weird. I think that's the best word for her. Much like at LuAnn's BBQ I'd rather talk to cute guys then strident women. Didn't the pending conversation with that man look much more promising than sitting on a blanket while Fr. Drescher whips out my book galley like a crucifix at an exorcism and lets out one more patronizing theatrical rant?

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Had she screamed "The power of Christ compels me!" I would not have been shocked.

I wanted to know what I said at the lunch that so mortally wounded Aviva and sent her on a rampage about my career. (Oops, I'm not supposed to say "rampage.") You must either live in the World According to Drescher, or be a verbal felon. It seems there's no in-between. Simply put I'm not interested in being friends with her. I wish her the best, I forgave her long ago, but she is not a person I want to have as a friend. I think that's fine, not everyone can be everyone else's good friend. Let's all be OK with that. I am.

I'm waiting for an answer, but not holding my breath. As for an apology, I'm still waiting for that, too. Though at this point, it's moot. Only children believe that apologies fix everything. In the grownup world an apology tour is just for show. I like keep it real. To quote one of my role models, "you can't pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining."

See you next week!

You can buy The Widow's Guide to Sex and Dating here.
You can buy What Remains here.