Carole: Men are Stupid, and They Like Big Boobs

Men are Stupid, and They like Big Boobs

Oh No, It's a Rental!
Sonja has traveled the world, had homes in three countries plus, I think, owned at one time nearly all of South of France, but she's bewildered by her journey three miles downtown to Kristen's.

It's an anthropology lesson -- and look, we do things the same way here as they do uptown. We take subways. We eat strawberries. We knock or ring the bell and then wait for someone to open the door. We are not animals.

Josh is the Knight in Shining Reason. If Sonja's the umbrella, he's a pair of Wellingtons and is trying very sincerely to keep her from stepping in the puddles. It's clear he has her best interests at heart, but this is what he hears: Saudi, diamonds, French shirts, fragrant football teams, tags hang in stores, girls want the books, condoms, lingerie, hats. . .Oh, and a team is all ready to go with it.

Sonja doesn't need a branding consultant because she's already been to France three times. She has a guy in China who's got a factory, which sounds suspiciously like what my Italian Grandpa Tony used to say when he had business out of town. He didn't know anyone in China, but he knew a guy he had to see about a horse. The only business Gramps had out of town, according to Grandma Millie, was monkey business.

Stop feeling. You're not listening. OK maybe you're listening too much. Poor Joshy. He needs a shot of Eboost to get him through this conversation. What book are the girls all asking for? Is it Sonja's cookbook? Tina Fey called. She's still waiting for hers.

I think Josh puts on a brave face for the Nigerian soccer/Chinese-Columbian factory/tagged and hanging French shirts skit. He laughs at the punch lines; he's a great audience.

One thing is sure, Sonja has mastered her character. James Lipton is eyeing her for Inside the Actors Studio. She's a professional comedienne, as we learned at Ramona's July 4th party, and now I get it. She talks this way for laughs, right? She's yukking it up, she's hilarious. Unless, of course, she's serious. Then I agree with Josh, someone needs to get Sonja to focus on one business at a time. Harry said it, Heather said it, Big Guns (you remember him?) said it. Maybe she should take an Adderral. I hear it helps with focus.

LA Time
Margaret! My beautiful sweet dog Margaret. She should have been the star of this scene. She'll be annoyed when she sees that she wasn't. Guess what? The guy on the message, the one who broke up with me before we dated called back a month later. His relationship didn't work out. Shock. Speaking of Margaret, she's taught me everything I need to know about men. If you want them to chase you, run in the opposite direction.

Couples Only Dinner
I am constantly reminded that I do not have a significant other. I'm really OK with that. No one leaves their socks lying around and the toilet seat is never up, well, almost never.

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If there's one thing we learn in this episode it's that no one vacations in the Berkshires, apparently. No one. No one Ramona knows, no celebrities she knows, no famous people she knows, not even her dry cleaner or the mailman, no one. More people go to Africa. Ramona is scared.

Her fear makes her angry at Josh, who is not bad-mouthing or dissing Sonja, by the way. Is it spreading gossip to state what everyone in all 50 states has known for years -- that there is no toaster oven? He's late to the game. He's just discovering it now.

If he'd watched us last season, he would have seen Heather trying to help Sonja with her toaster oven prototype. That was before she diversified into mitts, tongs, aprons, and recipes. Remember "Big Guns," the top-notch branding consultant Heather lent to Sonja? Sonja wasn't crazy about him. He didn't have a sexy "J." I thought he was great. I miss him.

Matchmaking
"Men are stupid and they like big boobs." - Marilyn Monroe

I've actually spent more than a decade researching this theory and here's what I've found: Men actually DO like women with big boobs and no brains. I know it for a fact. I produced a story years ago for 20/20 called the "Biology of Love." It was about evolutionary biology as it pertains to, well, coupling up. Yeah. So men are hard-wired to like big breasts, its not just a myth sold by beer companies and Carl's Jr. commercials. If men didn't like big boobs they wouldn't have invented the silicon implant. That was a man, by the way. Women weren't clamoring to stick bags of gelatinous material -- the stuff that makes up Silly Putty, in their chest cavity.

Large breasts (I'm talking C cup and up) attract men on a subconscious level because full breasts were considered a sign of femininity and fertility. The bigger the boobs the younger and more fertile the woman. This goes back 10,000 years.

Stone age men who liked small-chested brainy girls wound up with the less fertile women so didn't reproduce as much. This means their genes were not passed down and their line eventually died out. Today's males are the direct descendants of men who screwed a lot of big-breasted women. So we can't really blame them. It's biology, stupid.

Also, men who like successful women don’t run around announcing that they are "looking for a smart girl," they just date them. The men who talk about it -- finding a smart girl -- always show up with the airhead. Girly-girls go home from work, take a shower, braid each other's hair and put on their girly clothes. If that's the indication of attractiveness in a partner then I'm perfect. I'm a writer, I'm already home. Sometimes I even work in bed, in braids -- I start out all ready to go.

Hanging Yoga
What the hell is this scene about? We learned only two things: Ramona doesn't like the Berkshires. They remind her of her childhood and she's self-made so she doesn't have to go to the Berkshires. And, if given the opportunity Bravo will include every single shot they can find where one of us is saying something dumb or spreading our legs. It's as sure as death and taxes.

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Where are the Damn Bagels?

Pop Quiz:
What is the perfect house gift when visiting a friend at her country house?
A) An A/C unit
B) A nice candle
C) A dozen New York bagels
D) Earthworms

Pop Quiz:
Who checks out local real estate prices on the way to visit a friend's summer home, orders an A/C unit for "vertigo," mistakes the house for a garage and then locks herself in the car trunk commenting that it "is about as big as the house."
A) Sonja
B) Ramona
C) Ramonja
D) Your rude Aunt Kitty

Fishing for Trouble
Peaceful on the lake! Peaceful on the lake! I mean, come on. The number one rule of fishing is be quiet. Don't scare the fish! I got lucky -- I managed to hook the only deaf fish in the lake. Did you see it? It was THIS BIG!!!!

 "It's like being in your mother's womb, but on a lake." I hope this book Sonja's talking about is a collection of her aphorisms. Or just the next 500 things that come out of her mouth. I'll buy that before her Nigerian perfume.

Housewife Rule #103: Don't mess with a girl's blow dry. We have to get them often and sometimes try to time them around fun parties in our real lives. This is an important lesson that Ramona has been trying to get the new girls to grasp for two seasons now. You may not remember, but she didn't want to jump in the pool our last night in St. Barth's because of -- yep -- her blow-dry. The rule is simple. If you have a blow-dry, it's like being on base in tag -- just shout that out and you're untouchable. Ramona's mistake is she forgets to shout it out. You gotta tell us up-front, R. Then no one's allowed to splash or throw worms or invite you to a house with hot air. But, because she didn't, Kristen slipped and splashed her and glasses and paddles flew.

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I'm good in an emergency. I didn't drop my fishing pole the entire time, by the way.

Peaceful on the lake! Peaceful on the lake! Nevermind. . .girl overboard.

You can buy The Widow's Guide to Sex and Dating here.
You can buy What Remains here.