Dr. Jackie: This Isn't the End of Baby Talk

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! -- Psalm 127:3-5

While there is so much business going on in Episode 2, all I can think of is: "I've got to have my own baby now!"

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I have to deal with the pain of being near mothers-to-be everyday and wondering if I will ever feel what they are feeling. Now don’t get me wrong, I love Kursten to "life," but raising a baby who knows no other mother but me has always been my heart's desire. I just enjoy seeing the joy that being pregnant and holding a baby brings to so many women. I am the one who touches these precious lives first, but I don't know what it feels like to touch MY BABY first.

I am actually very passionate about my job because I get great pleasure seeing and feeling the joy it brings other mothers. As I write about motherhood, tears begin to fill my eyes. For years, almost everyday a patient would ask me "When are you going to get pregnant?" and they never knew the pain it brought. It felt like fingernails running down a chalkboard. I have cried so many nights until the impact of not being a mother has lessened. I've run out of tears to cry. I've come to accept that getting pregnant is not going to happen for us.

I have now come to the place that adoption will be healing for me, and I still get the opportunity to love a baby whose birth mother couldn't care for them. I find myself crying at children's sports activities and programs because I've not been able to totally experience the joy that a mother feels. When Kursten was small, people would ask "which one is your mother" and she would always point to her biological mother not knowing the pain I felt that she didn't point to me first. As a child, she was only being honest because with her being so young, I was her father's wife. I found myself growing resentful and couldn't love like I thought a mother was suppose to. Call it selfish, but I WANTED MY OWN child. I still want my own child.

Now I am willing to deal with the challenge where I surrender my life to someone else who decides if I am capable of being a good parent. While my intelligence tells me it's right, my heart knows if I had gotten pregnant on my own, no one would give a care about those things they are asking me about now. I don't ever think I've had my fingerprints taken or a FBI background check to go to medical school and take other folks lives into my hands but for this I will have to. This process (adoption) can be so tedious and so painful but most of all, I've got to get my husband on board first. So before the agencies can screen my ability to be a good mother, I have got to get the most important earthly being in my life to agree we can adopt.

I LOVE my husband, but he's the most stubborn man I've ever had in my life. Until I get the idea of adoption to become his idea, then I may not get to fulfill my desire to parent. Soooo, I am going to do some things I don't normally do to see if he can see a softer side of me. I feel like this is the last chance I have at getting a little bundle of joy into our lives so I've decided to pull out all the stops.

Now because I know my husband very well, him saying "NO" is disappointing -- but not the end of my quest to become a mother.

So Curtis saying "NO" may be a lost battle but the war is not over. Now having this interesting date with him is only the beginning.

On another note. . .I've been called Mother Theresa and Gandhi last season and they were peacemakers. Trying to make peace with Dr. Heavenly and Miss GA plus America is in my DNA. I think reaching out to her and clearing the air is the right thing to do but, we all know that sometimes going into the lion's den may not always be easy. In the Bible, Daniel went into the lion’s den and slew the lion so stay tuned for that! Now my good girlfriend, Simone is not so easy to convince that this is the right thing to do so I'm going to take this one on by myself.

If you have ears and eyes, everyone knows, I NEVER CALLED ANYONE "FAT"! Mariah what did you hear?