Dear Jeff Lewis, Please Adopt Us As One of Your Pets

We have a very specific dream to be part of the Flipping Out cast: The sushi lunches where Jeff Lewis insists you try something, the Chinese food lunches where Jeff insists you try something, the Mexican lunches where someone almost gets fired because there isn’t extra guacamole. But our interest in being on Flipping Out isn’t entirely lunch-centric; Jenni Pulos could make up raps about us and keep us laughing all day, and maybe—just maybe—someone could finally tell us where our couch should go in our apartment. (Is it weird that it faces the door? Should we get new curtains? Someone please tell us.)

There is a small issue with our dream however. Nowhere on our LinkedIn profile does it say "proficient in getting screamed at about paint swatches," "well-versed in having fake bugs put on our desk," or "competent in having our boss commissioning questionable portraits of us because it makes him laugh." Therein lies our dilemma: How do we hang out all day with Jeff and the gang, without, y'know, having to work and/or get flipped out at? (The show’s title is very accurate, okay?) Here is our solution: We want to be treated like one of Jeff Lewis’ pets.

Jeff’s love for his pets is just beyond. He is a devoted, loving, and compassionate pet owner. His animal menagerie is currently comprised of dogs Oliver and Little Chris (named after Jenni’s ex-husband...now do you agree with us that maybe this sounds like a little bit of a hostile work environment?) and new cats Patrick and Carver. Jeff would do anything for his pets—even take them to a pet psychic. The animals always look like they are having the time of their lives as Jeff always advocates for them. He makes sure that the dogs get frequent walks, he makes sure the cats are able to be part of his epic grudge with Living Spaces, and we are sure that all the animals get quality scraps from the table (again with the lunches). Jeff’s fierce love was super-apparent when we sadly watched him lose beloved cat Stewie on the show, and we were equally devastated when he lost his cat Monkey, and most recently, his dog Casey.

Don’t get us wrong, being one of Jeff’s pets isn’t all great though: You do have your main foe of Zoila possibly spraying you in the face with a water bottle or (if you're a cat) getting accidentally lost in the walls during a construction project. But we'd be willing to take that risk to be part of the household and not get screamed at or made to cry over a confused lunch pickup.
(We keep talking about lunch. We must be hungry.)

Please peruse these pictures and imagine what kind of wonderful life we could have as pets of Jeff, Gage and new human sister Monroe while we step out and get a sandwich.