"Saud bin Nasser Al Shahry from Saudi Arabia who is trying to sell his son on Facebook to avoid living in poverty. First, Jackhole, you don't sell your kid on Facebook, get an eBay account. Second, you’re asking 20 million bucks? The kid’s not even new."

"She's trying to convince her fans to pay big money to take a cruise with her. I know other celebrities have done this in the past but she's no Rosie O'Donnell. Just picture her running around the ship yelling at other family's kids. I can't take it."

Last night when his husband, Elton John, didn't win a Golden Globe because Madonna did, Mr. Furnish immediately posted on his Facebook wall "Madonna. Best song???? F**k off!!!" Then he posted that her acceptance speech was "embarrassing in its narcissism.' That's what I hear anyway, David Furnish still hasn't yet accepted my friend request.

"Last night when his husband, Elton John, didn't win a Golden Globe because Madonna did, Mr. Furnish immediately posted on his Facebook wall "Madonna. Best song???? F**k off!!!" Then he posted that her acceptance speech was 'embarrassing in its narcissism.' That's what I hear anyway, David Furnish still hasn't yet accepted my friend request."

"My jackhole of the day goes to this lovely lady. I’m pretty sure this is an audition tape for the Real Housewives of El Paso. Is it bad that I feel more sorry for the hot tub?"

"Costa Concordia cruise lines for offering the survivors of that shipwreck a coupon for 30% off their next cruise. Is that 30% off the price or off the length? Because last time you crashed on the first day."

"The Bronx zoo for trying to encourage people to pay $10 to name a cockroach after their loved ones this Valentines Day. A) Gross. B) Are the cockroaches going to have little name tags? No, they're just going to take your $10 and point and say, 'Yeah, that's little Zara.' I'm not buying it Bronx Zoo. Focus on keeping track of your cobra and peacocks which keep escaping all over New York City."

“Today’s Jackhole is blushing bride Babylonia Aivaz of Seattle. Why? Because this week she married s 107-year-old condemned building, which she says is also female and therefore it was a gay wedding. Listen, Babs, gay people have a hard enough time getting married without banana nut muffins like you making it worse. Plus, you have eyes crazier than me Frankly I’m shocked you weren’t a runaway bride, but that building wouldn’t have chased you, because it’s a building!. And now they’re going to knock it down and you’re going to be a widow.”

“Today’s Jackhole is the Westboro Baptist Church; the gay hating fools who picket anything and everything, particularly soldiers’ funerals. Usually, I don’t say anything about them, because I don’t want to give them the attention that they’re so obviously desperate for, but next week, on their way home from protesting the Super Bowl for whatever insane reason, they’re going to stop in my hometown at my high school and protest. Why? It’s a long story, but suffice to say they don’t like Clayton High’s ‘Equality Club’ AKA, the gay-straight alliance. I just want to tell the kids at Clayton how proud I am of of them and to stand strong. And to Fred Phelps and his gang of goons, your signs don’t bother any of us...but I bet God doesn’t like it when you presume to speak for him. Especially when what you say is so far from Christian.”

“My Jackhole goes to congressman John Flemming. He was gullible enough to believe a story in The Onion, of all places, about something called the Abortionplex which he believed was being built and he got publicly upset about it. John,if you’re watching, you should go check out this really cool new place down the street called The Boner Mall.”

"My Jackhole of the day does to Martin Scorned-cese who tried to sabotage out pal Uggie’s best actor win at the doggie Oscars - aka ‘The Golden Collar Awards” - by creating a public smear campaign against Uggie, claiming the dog in his movie ‘Hugo’ gave a better performance. Well, sorry Marty, Uggie won! All I have to say to you is, who gonna check Uggie, boo?! Oh yeah, and guess what else, Giggy won best performance by a dog in a reality show. So there.”

“Today’s Jackhole is Christopher Alan Carlson, a grandfather accused of making his grandsons, aged 12, 9, and 8 hike in 108 degree weather in the Grand Canyon because he thought they were too heavy. He also might have hit and choked them a little, according to the kids. Let’s take a look at that terrible Grandpappy Christopher’s mugshot! Whoa. He’s a Jackhole, but he’s also kind of a GRILF! Call me when you get outta jail, Peepaw!”

“Today’s Jackhole is Chris Brown and/or Rhianna, I guess it’s not really a Jackhole so much as just a sad sigh over the two of them appearing in each other’s remixes. I guess it’s a complicated situation but knowing what I know I just couldn’t enjoy the music. Will someone please give Rhianna Tina Tuner’s phone number? ”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to a milk mishap that went down at a UK hospital when nurses mistakenly switched two babies and they got nursed by the wrong mommy. That’s what you get for giving birth in a town called Nottinghamshire. But now that I think about it, having a stranger suck your nipples isn’t that big of a deal - around here we just call that ‘Tuesday Night.’”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to Ignacio Munoz who allegedly took a teacher hostage and demanded a pound of cush, that’s pot, a car, a PlayStation3 hooked up in the car, and for the Mexican Army to come and pick him up. Sadly his plan was foiled when police shot him in the face with a bean bag.”

"My Jackhole of the day goes to sun-dried tomatoes. I HATE sun-dried tomatoes. They’re like dirty dead rotten raisins. Rotted. Dried. In the sun. Disgusting. Anyway, now they’re linked to a hepatitis outbreak in the UK. So there!”

“Today’s Jackholes are Denise and David Smart of England for spending 10,000 pounds for plastic surgery for their DOG, Junior. He’s gotten, among other things, a tummy tuck and an eye lift. They claim it was to help him see better, but I bet if Junior was a girl they would have also made him get eight boob implants. Leave that poor puppy alone, you Jackholes!”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to this dog who was a real show stopper in the Crufts dog competition. This world is so backwards, for that the pooch was disqualified. I don’t know.”

“Today’s Jackhole is Camilla Parker Bowles, the Duchess of Cornwall, who showed up somewhere wearing a brooch that looks suspiciously like a pendant belonging to Princess Diana. Listen, Cammie, taking her man was one thing, but biting her bling? You. Do. NOT! Elton John is gonna write a mean song about that.”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to a granny in New York who’s suing Apple for a million dollars after she crashed face-first into the glass of one of their stores. She just should have used that granny app that tells grannies when glass is approaching or go to the Genius Bar and learn that glass is solid.”

“Today’s Jackhole is someone I actually love a lot, it’s Alicia Silverstone. This is because she shows us how she feeds her baby and I don’t even know what to say about it. She chews up food and then spits it into his mouth like a little bird. I don’t even care that she does it, it’s her baby, I just had to give her the Jackhole for posting it online and ruining my lunch.”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to one of my favorite classy ladies, Courtney Stodden, after claiming she’s never eaten a hamburger in her life and she’s decided to become a vegetarian. Is she in an empty classroom, I don’t get it? I love her. ”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to three people who have something in common with Tori, they are hoarders. But instead of hoarding catty gays, they were arrested for allegedly hoarding actual cats in their trailer, 134 cats to be exact. Who would do such a thing? I want to see their mugshots! Oh my lord!”

“Today’s Jackhole is whoever designs shopping mall Easter bunny costumes. I was looking at some pictures online today and not one single costume was less than chilling. It’s not that hard to come up with a good looking Easter costume, look what we did with our bartender.”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to George Zimmerman. Whatever we find out actually happened, the fact that George Zimmerman put up a website asking for PayPal donations for his defense seems more than worthy of une petite jackhole.”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to the mere possibility that Dame Maggie Smith might leave her role as the Dowager Countess on Downton Abbey. It is yet to be confirmed, this is the skuttlebutt just as of hours ago, but it better not be true, Mags. Listen, just because you’re 77, have two Oscars, a Tony, two Emmys, two Golden Globes, and are an official Dame doesn’t mean you can punish me with such dowager deprivation. I need you, think of the people! On second thought, enjoy your retirement and have a digestive biscuit on me. But I hope you don’t do that, it’s a preventative Jackhole.”

“Today’s Jackhole is Secret service. I know this whole Columbian prostitution scandal has been going on for a couple of days, but it just hit me - you guys need to pay to get laid? You’re government agents, you’re secret service guys, you have more game than anybody. In the future, I suggest you learn how to keep the fact that you’re being serviced, secret. That was so lame.”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to a hard hitting news story about a little girl who had an accident in kindergarden class. So pooping in your pants is super embarrassing but it’s even worse when your mom goes on the local news station, KY3, with the story and your last name is Skidmore.”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to a Long Island woman who accepted the life saving gift of a kidney from someone who worked for her, then she fired the donor for not returning to work as fast as she did. This story is nothing to kid-ney around about (sorry), but take a look at the boss in question. Grumpy lady! Would you trust that face with a kidney? At least she has the class to use plastic cups with her white zinfandel, which I can’t imagine is good for your kidneys.”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to Detroit 3rd Circuit Judge Wade McCree who allegedly sent nude photos of himself to a woman whose husband found them and got all mad. Nude photos always get a Jackhole but to his credit, I love his response to this local news reporter who confronted him about it. ”

“Today’s Jackhole is a guy who was arrested for an alleged hit and run that damaged another car in California. But, I almost want to Mazel him because of his name, and this is his legal name, Obiwan Kenobi! He changed his name to Obiwan Kenobi.”

“Today’s Jackhole is Anthony Popa Urria, who just became the world’s youngest member of MENSA. He’s two years old, his IQ is 154, and he speaks three languages, but he’s still in diapers! Anthony, let me ask you, what good is being a genius if you can’t figure out how not to poop yourself? Call me when you’re continent, okay genius?”

“My Jackhole of the day goes to Brian Frons. Now this is the man responsible for canceling ‘All My Children.’ Now I am going to quote the great Susan Lucci, she said it best, there’s a new section in her book, which I really love. She said ‘I watch Brian Frons’s decisions destroy the production of our show, and the lives of people on both sides of the country.’ Mazel to you, Susan, and Jackhole to him.”

“Today’s Jackhole is Pam Matranga, a Galveston County Texas constable who has been accused of alleged sexual harassment. According to a deputy, she publicly lifted up her blouse, trapped his head under it, and pressed his face to her breast forcing him to motorboat her. You know Pam, it’s people like you who make motorboating seem gross and unromantic.”

“Today’s Jackhole is the company that makes these. These are party supplies for first period parties. The plates say ‘puberty rocks.’ What do you put in the goody bags? Moms, just don’t do that to your daughters. ”

“My Jackhole of the night goes something truly crazy, welcome to this week’s installment of ‘It Came From Courtney Stodden.’ In this video Miss Stodden portrays a cat, take a look or don’t if you're faint of heart. I hope she has parental supervision besides that 50 year old husband of hers. She looks like a feral cat to me by the way.”

Today’s Jackhole is Thomas Parkin who was sentenced this week to 13-41 years behind bars because after his mom passed away in 2003 he continued to cash her social security checks for years by dressing up in a dead mom costume. Oh my God, he looks like Kate Chancellor from ‘Young and the Restless.’

“Today’s Jackhole is whoever does the layout for the front page of the Liverpool Echo Newspaper. You’re not going to see this on Leno Headlines.”