Tom Schwartz Feels Like a Goon

Hmmm my my my. We had ourselves a good old fashioned bar room brawl. We were so sure going into her birthday party that there would be no drama that Shay and I were facetiously pretending to fight early in the night. Maybe I'm naive, but I honestly never saw that coming. It escalated so quickly. I saw James going after Tom. Tom can well take care of himself, but copious alcohol plus a current deep disdain for James made for an easy transition into beast mode. Just give me a reason, like Clint Eastwood would say it (Saying would after Eastwood feels redundant).

After the adrenaline wore off and the reality of what we've done set in, I am mortified. Not a good look for us. I started off as a ruffian, but towards the end just wanted to break it up. Deja vu. As awful as I feel about the calamity, there's also a little part of me that indulged in the moment. I'm a lover not a fighter -- but haven't been in a fight since the fifth grade. Maybe I sort of liked it just a wee bit. Like a part of me liked getting popped in the face. It's like a quick sock! I'm alive baby! I've awoke my atavistic side. Atavism. I learned that term back in college creating writing class and it resonated with me. He's dormant like 97 percent of the time but my Tyler Durden peaked his head out for a second or two. The novelty of being a bar-room hooligan is fast wearing off.

As much as I am grossed out by those two (James and Kristen) right now, I squash it with them that same night. Can't have grudges at this time in my life. Need positivity. I feel so bad for Scheana. She truly is prone to accidents. We ruined another one of her birthdays and feel terrible about it.

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Jax is finally getting the Stassi tattoo covered. His cover up tattoo is pretty damn cool. Kudos to the artist. We wondered if Stassi had a moment of bliss or like a sudden pang or sense that everything's in life is going to be OK once it was covered. Haha. Stass is still crashing with us. I give her sh-- but we like having her. It's fun. We all laugh together a lot.

Sandoval is a true wizard in the makeup department. He looks better after getting pummeled in the face. Truly one of his latest masterpieces.

I'm hit with another wave of regret when I realize Lisa will soon find out about this. Will not bode well for me. I'm constantly seeking her approval. I really admire Lisa, but it seems I constantly disappoint. Is there a pattern emerging here?

The regret is exacerbated when I think of all the people that have vouched for me in my campaign to work with Lisa and Ken. I've put her on a pedestal. I strive to impress but she (unknowingly) knocks what little cool there is in me right out of me. So there's a ton of apprehension going to sit down with her. I know it's just a bar job, but I'm not looking at it like that. It's getting to work in proximity with Ken and Lisa. Osmosis. Hoping to soak up some of their entrepreneurial spirit.

Also for the duration of my time here in Los Angeles, I've never had a steady "job" -- just a constant grind of gigs -- so having at least some stability makes me feel warm and cozy inside. Sometimes in my dry spells I turn into a Debbie Downer and energy vampire. When you're hot you're hot though. I've mostly learned to mitigate the slow weeks with positive thinking but a little more stability, again, would be swell. I consult with The Stass because she's somehow elevated herself to more of a peer status with Lisa. She braces me for the worst but has some good advice. I fear that I may have permanently relegated myself to boyishly handsome liability status with Lisa though.

Tom was super embarrassed about his video apology. Little does Scheana know it was actually one of his self-taped auditions for a movie he starred in. Just kidding it was from the heart. I dug it. He and Ariana are super cute together.

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Katie and I have been slacking in the sex department. She makes it sound like I'm a scared little boy but make no mistake I'm a stallion. A sexual conquistador. I don't even know what that means but it sounds cool. I am in sex debt with Katie though.

Carmen and Tiff are both very cool. I'm closer with Tiffany I suppose. Jax really does like them both -- but that's not fair so he makes the decision. It's quite the dilemma. Carmen not gonna be happy.

I sit down with Lisa expecting full well to be beheaded. My head placed on a stick to warn others that bullsh-- will not be tolerated. Or maybe she'll tar and feather me for maximum humiliation. I don't want to let my bubba down after she put her neck on the line.

I cringe looking at myself sometimes. I'm such a goon. Sometimes I'm kind of dashing. I feel so much cooler/sexier in everyday life but struggle with seeing myself on TV still.