Take It From Sam

Even though Marcel wasn't able to attend the Watch What Happens Special, he's still a topic of conversation. So I have something I'd like say about him:

Marcel's food that first night in Hawaii (Finale, Part 1) was damn good. It was the best food he put out all season, from flavors to plating. It was "spot on," as they say. He used his style of cooking to strengthen his dish. That poi, for instance--it was sick! He nailed it. I volunteered to work for him in the finale because I wanted to help him win and maybe learn a thing or two from him. It's too bad you guys didn't get to taste it. "Good" is an understatement.

Moving on to the show itself. What was the point of this show again? Oh, now I remember--it was to remind all of our friends that there are still plenty of things left that they can make fun of us about.

Speaking of jokes, Andy Cohen's opening comment beat Ilan's pants to the punchline. And while we're on the subject of "A Guide to Style"... Dear Tim Gunn, I'm a big fan. I love fashion and "Runway" and shopping, and if you see any extra wardrobe floating around set, I'm a 33'' long. Thanks, man.

Harold made a really good point that if you're going to be on Top Chef, it's probably a good idea to watch it. Take it from me. For whatever reason, I somehow missed an episode of Season 1. Which episode, you ask? This wont come as a shock: Restaurant Wars. Had I seen that, we may not have been LaLaLosers. Or a LaLaLaughingstock. (Or we may still have been, who knows--that's what makes TC fun.) So if you're going to be on Season 4, heres what you should have learned from this so-called reunion show: You will have no contact with the outside world at all--no cells, no newspapers, no iPod, no nothing. You will have nothing to distract you other than the people you're trapped with---I mean live with--and you will not be able to get away from them, even for a second.

You will do crazy things in the house to blow off steam and make each other laugh, even if it involves skits which you would never do in normal life because you're not "that guy." The more times you say you're not something, the more it will seem like you are. (Take it from "that guy".) As if cooking isn't enough, the judges will also want you to do their job and tell them who they should send home. They'll make you stand there for hours, waiting for your answer. You'll have flashbacks to when you were in 3rd grade and the principal said, "No one is going anywhere until you tell me which one of you did this!" Except unlike your principal, they will mean it. They will try to break you. Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything. You will eat disgusting things that will make your toes curl. This may occur in the kitchen, but more likely while you're participating in a skit (see "skit"). Cliff, seriously, besides beer and an egg, what else was in that glass?

No matter how funny your entry video is, it won't be as funny as CJ's. I crack up every time I see that first clip of him in his kitchen You will learn that you shouldn't grow your hair out on national TV. You will understand what Gayle meant by "two hours of film for two seconds of show," and realize it was an understatement.

There will be moments that hit you in the gut every time you see them--that clip of Emily leaving always gets to me.

You will learn that what Clay said about the whole experience couldn't be more true than if you said it yourself.