The Sweet Smell of...a Doughnut

Sweet Jesus, what have I gotten myself into? And by sweet, I mean with lots of sugar…or a sugar substitute to appease “she who has bigger balls then me” Warner. Walking into the gym and meeting everyone was a little terrifying. I had no idea what to expect or what I had gotten myself into. It felt like a bad dream. Surrounded by sweaty overweight women in workout attire… oh and then there’s Joe, sporting a headband like the Karate Kid. Now forgive me, and perhaps I missed the memo, but are headbands back and if so why? This is NOT the 80’s and Olivia Newton John is nowhere to be found. Seriously, that is an unfortunate look. I wanted to say to him, “Being overweight has nothing to do with you not getting laid, Joe, there are soooooooo many other reasons.”

Anyho, during the workout Jackie decided to make the announcement to the rest of the stable that I had the most weight to lose. Nothing says, “I love you” and “Welcome to my Hell” like a ripped lesbian stating the obvious. However, I like to look at the glass as half full (most likely because Nikki drank the other half), and I thought I’d spin her comment into a positive. “You see Jackie, if we were all on a plane, and that plane were to go down in the mountains, and we all survived I would be the most popular and sought after. So being this fat does have its advantages.”

Well we wasted NO time at getting down to business. Call me crazy, but in my head I had fantasized that we would all come in, talk about who we are and how we got so fat, share a few tears, maybe a doughnut, then simply discuss the benefits of exercise. I didn’t think we would actually workout on the first day. Oh, perchance to dream, you chubby little queer. Ten minutes after my arrival, I was covered in sweat. There was a part of me that was hoping and praying that the stationary bike would come loose and that I could pedal my way right outta the gym and straight to a nearby ice cream truck. Instead I nearly died. How did I get so fat and out of control? I PRAY to god that this is going to get better and easier. I know the next few days are going to be brutally painful, but thank goodness for ibuprofen and ice packs.