The Ballad of Bob Tomato

Hi there monkey lovers, zipline enthusiasts, and Housewives aficionados. I'm assuming you loved this episode with all of your heart as much as I did. It had everything -- exotic locations, car games, in-fighting. Shall we do our best to hit the highpoints?

Excess Baggage
We open with the Dubrows sitting down for dinner with Tamra and Eddie. After some discussions of torso length and appetizers, Tamra goes ahead and puts confession on the menu -– by fessing up to throwing Dr. D under the bus in her fight with Alexis. Heather does her best to find the humor in her retort (she does have one of my favorite lines ever when she mentions that Tamra might need to control her inner monologue). After Tamra promises to back Heather her up in whatever blows this will surely come to, the ladies ponder an "intervention" for Alexis.

Yes, a phoniness intervention. Will this work? Has it ever been tried before? What is the protocol in a situation like this? I guess we’ll have to wait for Costa Rica to see. . .

After seeing the various ladies packing routines (and hearing the exact must-haves for a trip of this scope from Slade/the internet), the gang arrives at the airport. Once they scoop up Vicki from Florida, they make it to the jungle in the dead of the night. But even late in the evening, there is always time for cocktails, snacks, and gossip. The ladies assess Vicki's newfound lovey-dovey streak (and if makes her a hypocrite, considering to her past intolerance for mush) before the lady herself arrives. Talk turns to faux diamonds, Alexis leaving early, and eventually woo-hoos. Vicki's especially loopy, even for her, so this has all the makings of a great trip already. . .

A Is for Anus
The next morning over egg whites (egg whites, no yellow), the gang fills their canteens with "jungle juice" and heads out for the zipline.

As the camouflage canteens are passed, Vicki starts the Alphabet Game (I rarely used the world "dildo" when I last played, but I was also about nine). Then the traditional pre-zipline hair braiding commences, which I think is done to calm nerves? Heather and Gretchen are a little nervous. . and then Alexis is super nervous. After a quick shove things progress nicely. Vicki is feeling especially invigorated, and begins to recount her high school days, in which she was popular, perfect, and pondering marriage to Bob Tomato (Vicki Tomato! What a different show this could have been!). This leads her to think about Briana's own nuptials and maybe sends Vicki down a bit of a rabbit hole of anxiety. Vicki attempts to stave off that angst with another car game -- leading Gretchen to admit that she’s going to bring apples, bananas, and a gun to the next imaginary picnic. (Sounds like a good picnic supply list to me.) After penis makes it to the packing list, the hypocrite accusations fly and with Tamra using Gretchen's retort to shut Vicki down. . . .So much for a fun day at the zipline.

If anything all of this caterwauling resulted in some really iconic Vicki faces so we have that to revel in.

If the Shoe Fits
Once the ladies have removed their official zip lining trash bags, they gather for two respective pre-dinner tete-a-tetes. Alexis discusses the underlying tension of the day with Gretchen, while Heather and Tamra discuss eye wash and just how they are going to break this phony news to Alexis.

Pause, Spanish lesson: Claro que sí means "of course." The restaurant is called Claro Que Seafood. Extrapolate if you can.

Over dinner, things get increasingly tense. After Vicki and Tamra have another chat about hypocrites, the heat turns to Gretchen's quiet state that evening -- and her relationship with Slade -- then we bounce over to Jim. Alexis says Jim doesn't feel invited to the men's dinner, even though the ladies say Terry called him. . . .This of course leads to the "white elephant" in the room -- Terry's comments about Alexis.

First, let's just clarify: a white elephant is (according to Wikipedia) "an idiom for a valuable but burdensome possession of which its owner cannot dispose and whose cost (particularly cost of upkeep) is out of proportion to its usefulness or worth." It's also a delightful holiday gift exchange game. I think Alexis was perhaps being more specific about the type of elephant that was in the room re: Heather and her tension. That kind of attention to detail ensures that the elephant could be properly identified to police.

Anyway, this leads right into the Tamra and Heather's materialistic intervention. Heather brings up an incident at Nordstrom involving some sneakers and the level of Jim's voice. Gretchen then joins in and mentions that she tried to explain this behavior to her on the plane, which of course sends Alexis into a tizzy, as even G has joined the fray. Vicki abstains, except to say she has more money than Alexis anyway (!).

Alexis ends up getting it from all sides -- but we'll have to wait until next week to see how this all ends up. Will Alexis take all her things and "throw them away"? Will a different colored elephant arrive in the room to create even more tension? Will Vicki start another alphabet game to smooth things over (A is for Affected)? Tune-in next week my little spider monkeys!