Never Get a Tattoo

Orange County is back, and as the mother of all Housewives goodness, we here at Bravo HQ felt we would be remiss not to blog about it. Thus, in order to pay homage to our blonde bombshells, we bring you "The First 'Wives Club," in which I (Bravotv.com's Assistant Editor of Bam Squad fame) will be distilling the wisdom provided by the first ladies of Bravo into lessons for your everyday life. Similar to how we all learned about the importance friendship and women's empowerment through the adventures of Diane Keaton, Goldie Hawn, and Bette Midler in the seminal 1996 film, The First Wives Club. Just for today's Housewives lover.

Parenting

Alexis provided some helpful tips for avoiding disaster while watching children. Watch out, Dr. Spock!

1. Never give children chap stick and/or lip-gloss lest they eat it, not wear it.

2. Try and do as Jesus would. Don't burn the toast.

3. Always pee with the door open so you can prevent biting and fighting.

4. The most devastating punishment for a little girl? Taking away her accessories.

Etiquette

When throwing a party, everyone should be invited. Including your past mortal enemy. Tamra's Ramona-esque renewal this season seems to have inspired her to reach out to Gretchen, and while it may be my post-weekend glow talking, I'm rooting for those two crazy kids to finally make up. Though that seems about as likely as the return of Quinn/Roxy.  

Always have a shirtless bartender at your cocktail party. Preferably with two first names like this Brad Scott fellow. Well done, Tamra.

One should probably shy away from cracking jokes at the hostesses' expense. If I were Gretchen, I'd be nice to whoever is throwing parties with glittery clothing and topless bartenders doling out free drinks. But that's just me. 

Fashion and Style

Even when moving furniture, heels should be worn. Vicki refuses to let physical labor get in the way of looking fabulous, and neither should you! (P.S. Did anyone else notice Vicki's dog providing insightful commentary on this scene by chasing its own tail?)

Never, ever get a tattoo that you might one day remove. Watching Tamra's "fifteen seconds of pure pain" during her session with "Dr. Tattoff" was enough to convince me to cancel the appointment I set up for getting a Lisa Frank style golden retriever tattooed on my lower back this week. 

Was it just me or did that evil eye hat attract evil rather than keep it away? Gretchen puts it on and chaos erupts between her and Tamra. Tamra puts it on to confront Gretchen and gets called an evil bitch. So I guess if you're severely lacking frenemies in your life, pick yourself up an evil eye hat at the Bravo store.

In fact it seems to me that fashion and friends should never be mixed on this show. Remember Lynne's ill-fated Cuff Love party last season? Oh the memories…