The Midas Touch

Hello my sweet girls (and boys),

I hope you're all decked in your black or white swan outfits and ready to perform the burlesque routine you wrote for yourself. Because I’ve brought along a Silence of the Lambs birdcage and Snidely Whiplash as the MC to ensure you have everything you need for your show.

Queens in a burlesque store

Thank baby Jesus, Sonja’s amazing fur hat is back! She wears it to Patricia Fields. I would have preferred she wear the hat for the actual performance, but she goes with something incredibly more exciting. Sonja teaches us a lot about burlesque on this shopping trip. We learn that burlesque is all about self-mockery, that that mannequin is only gardening, and that being 40 is at least better than being 70 or dead. Also Avery is there, to pepper each corset pick up with strong laments of disgust. Also in the store that day: Sonja’s drag twin. They say everyone has a doppelganger in the world, and wouldn’t you know it Lady Morgan’s evil (or good) twin is a drag queen that works in the basement of Patricia Fields. These are things that happen on RHONY that shouldn’t surprise us at all.

Bronxville and a bagel

Did you really think that Jill Zarin was just going to send Ally a care package at college? Or that she’d go visit Ally without bringing Ginger? Of course not. So when Jill arrives at college she grills Ally on all the important matters -- the contents of her quesadillas, the basis of her vegetarianism, Spanish filmmaking, and her desire to be a sex columnist. Yup, little Ally Zarin wants to be the next Kinsey. Jill’s obviously supportive, but perhaps there’s a job as a hand-holding columnist Ally would be more suited for? Could she take a position researching a cure for cooties instead? After lunch Jill attempts to put the kibosh on the sex columnist idea by buying Ally a turtleneck. Mothers are the best.

Also having some quality time are LuAnn and Victoria, as they cruise around a snowy Hamptons parking lot, and Ramona and Avery, who are having a light lunch and school project review session. I love that Ramona has an Avery folder. It’s a little disappointing it’s not a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper, but I’m sure if Avery asked for it Ramona would give her one. While Avery reads from her inspiration paper (Ramona’s 54), Victoria takes a couple of rough turns and nearly buzzes a wooden staircase. It was super precious seeing both sides of the 16 year old coin, the part that loves their mother and the part that desperately cannot drive. Call your mother, folks.

The No Woman is a Staten Island So Have Chris March Tell You How to Wear a Corset Award Goes to. . .

Sonja continues the prep work for her big performance, this time calling in Chris March to help with the costuming – particularly figuring out how to wear a corset. The sweetheart part goes upwards, to cover your wonky nipples (thanks for sharing with us Sonja). And then Ramona arrives to watch the rehearsal, complete with crudité. Is she talking about the other ladies? A Lady Morgan never tells?

Meanwhile Kelly and LuAnn go out on the town to discuss men and try to teach Kelly to drink cocktails beside beer. New BFF alert! Consensus: when in doubt shake royalty’s hand and add water to your too strong cocktail.

Brooklyn beats up the beat

Well I don’t know about you guys, but I had my jelly beans and pinot ready to see LuAnn back in the studio. And the track to me does not disappoint (watch the finished music video, if you haven’t treated yourself to that joy yet). Jill thinks it could be a bit more dancey (and since she’s the strength behind “Money Can’t Buy You Class” everyone should listen). I do agree with Jill that there should be more dance, not because I don’t think there’s enough, but really there should always be more. More dance, more dance. And of course a music video, which seems to be a point of contention for the ladies.Manhattan Major Performance

After learning about Sonja's dog's (and friend's) bladder control issues, it's time for burlesque! I highly recommend that everyone peruse the photos of the party to fully appreciate the moustaches, particularly Mario’s Snidely Whiplash ‘stache, and Jill Zarin’s tiny hat. It seems that very tiny hat was filled with goodwill, because for the sake of the group Jill and Simon managed to bury the hatchet (and thankfully not the tiny hat) and agree to never mean tweet again.

After a performance by a professional (a topless professional), Sonja takes the stage. It behooves you to watch the entire performance, jealous b---ches and all. My personal favorite part: the color commentary from Jill and Cindy. I’m not sure the phrase "Sucking a golden d—k doesn't either" will grace a Bravo t-shirt anytime soon, but a girl can dream right?

Until next week when we finally make it to Atlantic City to create the "Chic" video. Here’s hoping your next week is c’est bon and snitch free.