Got Life?

Oh my little New Yorkers, it's been so long. It seems like eons ago when we where here on the island, having our ladies gallivant about in their natural habitat. It feels good to be back where we belong. Let's dive right in shall we? I have to get to my trampoline class.

Brooklyn is for Lovers

The ladies have left the home fires burning for far too long, so it's time for them to spend a little bit of time with their respective loves.

Ramona sprinkles a hotel room with rose petals (Which are they sold by the basket? or was that a Ramona Singer added feature?) and waits (and waits) for sweet Mario to arrive.

Meanwhile in Brooklyn, Alex and Simon are having a romantic tete-a-tete of their own, complete with requite conversation of who owns Alex's behind (Simon), the worthy cause oysters must die for (sex with Alex), and copious wardrobe changes.

Let's discuss the underwear fashion show for un momento (which you can see Simon shop for in his webisode this week). I personally feel Alex should wear the Elton John robe everywhere. That's an everyday piece in my opinion. And kudos to Simon for putting a d--k in a basket joke out there (topical, as Justin Timberlake is everywhere at the moment). Her next ensemble was a 9.6 according to Simon (I'd give it a 9.3, but only because I didn't love the dismount). Finally she gets to the pièce de résistance –- a pair of panties bedazzled with the words "I LOVE US" -- romantic and all-inclusive, well played Mr. Van Kempen.

Jill and Bobby go suit shopping, and Jill being the expert in all fields that she is has a lot of opinions. Coming from a menswear background, Jill does have some major assertions about the kind of stripes he needs -- and about the insignia Bobby should be sporting. She's going to monogram his jacket with her initials. Why? So if some girl hits on Bobby she sees the Jill Zarin bat signal -- and "that'll be the end of her."

Mario finally arrives, Ramona quickly cuts to the chase -- a psychic told her he was thinking of another woman. He like Ramona, feels the other woman is Avery, which is great because then Ramona can continue with the sensual massage (which please watch, just do it) and whatever else is on the menu. . .

LuAnn and Jacques also go to dins, at which time Jacques proves that he's actually Hank Azaria and the voice of Apu. Also he adorably tells her he wants to go on dates with her for 50 years. You're right LuAnn, you should have flung that door open ages ago.

Manhattan's Premier Photo Director

Finally we have some time with Teddy! Kelly's with Teddy today! Thank you so much, but she's with Teddy! (Reference her retort to Ramona at Cindy's BBQ.)

This year Kelly wants to go with something different for her Christmas cards. Instead of the blasé khakis and sunset shot she wants something photographically stunning. Does she lean on her own portrait expertise? Or perhaps on her Playboy photographer? The man who captured Sonja's toaster oven cookbook images?

Nope, she chose Teddy Bensimon to art direct. Dogs eating out of the dishwasher! It was adorable, though I do worry that those pooches where up so high. Carefully with your furry friends Bensimon family. Don't let anybody take a tumble. Also, where's my Christmas card? (You can see the finished version in Kelly's blog, but I'm still waiting on a hard copy).

Maybe There Are Some Camels at the Bronx Zoo You Could be Photographed With

Back at Compeltely Bare, Cindy is ready to dazzle her brother Howie with photos of her vacation -- because everyone loves other people's vacation photos. Once she masters her iPad and her new glasses (love, you look like a sexy Rick Moranis), the rapid-fire scrolling begins as Cindy explains "who yelled at her when." But why are there only camel heads in the photos? Where's that great shot of her mugging in front of the Moroccan sunset -- oh wait, they aren't in there because Sonja strategically cropped you out.

I was going to have that photo framed

You know what they say, revenge is a dish best served when doubles are printed.

No Woman's Finances are a Staten Island

In this episode we learn that Sonja's in a bit of a financial barrel. Apparently the ladies (including voracious reader Alex McCord, who read it here first), found out about her money troubles, and want to know why she hasn't come to them. Jill Zarin, the inquisitive soul that she is has all sorts of questions about assets and liabilities. Sonja even has to deal with her plastic surgeon lobbying questions about her debts (and why she keeps the tags on her coats).

Sonja manages to wriggle out of the conversations thanks to her copious noshing of crackers,  need to try on Jill's shapewear, and her ability to play it off on the gossip rags.

The Skweez tagline, courtesy Jill Zarin: " Squeeze Your Big, Fat A-- Into Whatever You Want

Later we see Lady Morgan chatting with Ramona at home and lamenting how she doesn't want to talk about it -- which duh. I think Sonja summarized it best when she said, "What are they going to do for me?" Seriously what are they going to do -- write a check? Forgive her for not coming to Jill's meeting with an abacus and asking whatever can be done. It's a pretty private issue, and it's incredible enough she's addressing it as she is. In the words of that YouTube video guy: "Leave Sonja Morgan alone."

The Queen of Confrontation

Call it schadenfreude, but I've been waiting for the Herman Muenster shoes showdown since this season's supertease. LuAnn showdowns are always especially jubilant to watch, and knowing that Alex was on the anger upswing, this was bound to be one for the books. I watched the whole episode teetering on the edge of my chair waiting to see what was going to happen when these two gal pals sat down for a cup of joe.

And while Alex tried to earn her role as Superintendent of the Alex McCord School for Young Girls, it was LuAnn wan't having it. Say what you will about The Countess -- but she is not a lady I'd want to tangle with. She's not going to cause you physical harm Alex (as she made exceptionally clear by her repetition of "Don't take this literally"), but messengers get shot. Shot! Take your clunker shoes and go back to your cabinet in Brooklyn, she says! LuAnn will not have Alex busting into her salon and making a show. Watch her dramatically walk away! Though Alex didn't seemed bothered enough to stop sipping her coffee, so I think the final score was a toss-up.

Frankly I was disappointed she didn't get more in-depth about the shoes. Can we get an image? I really want to know exactly what LuAnn considers a mistake by Louis Vuitton.

And we're back. Once again the ladies are free to argue in coffee shops and Brooklyn restaurants instead of in dusty saloons and souks. Next week it's a Sweet Sixteen-off with Avery and Victoria going toe-to-toe. Also, we'll see how Ramona's impression of Jill goes over. Hopefully well because we don't think Jill should work her face to much after her procedure.