Cold As Ice

Hello party people, are you exhausted from the Sweet 16s? Too bad, because we're back on the circuit this week. So sit down, and you know the old adage, if you don't have anything nice to say -- mean tweet about it!

Sit and Look Exotic on Staten Island

We open with another partyplanning ses! This time Ramona is having a birthday party for herself – and also Sonja! It's a joint party where the second function is a surprise. Ramona scouts the locale with Alex and Kelly, and Kelly sits in an amazing Austin Powers-esque chair prompting Ramona to say: "I think I'm going to hire you for like in hour just to sit and look exotic in this." I think this is a burgeoning career area for Kelly. She could sit on things and look exotic -- camels, fake horses, weird chairs, giant chairs. She could be a sexy Edith Ann. Before you can say "Stay seated," the gals are on to the next shindig. This one for Cindy's new va-jewelry and bikini wax line. Unfortunately Simon did not let Cindy shave his chest, but she managed to tag Kelly with a Swarovski crystal on her mole. People were confused by this bedazzled mole, but I see this as yet another trend Kelly could start.

Then Simon approaches Jill and suggests they have a tete-a-tweet. He wants to discuss their issues over Diet Cola. Kelly would like to be invited, but he doesn't drink Coke with people that have weird jeweled moles (JK). And then he tells Jill he'll tweet at her. Jill goes back to say it's a touch strange for them to have lunch and he then tells her "Watch out." This devolves into a fuss between pretty much all of the ladies and Simon with cries of "mean tweeting" at all angles. Simon and Alex leave confirming that they only have at replies for each other, and that the rest of the motley crew isn't worth their 140 characters.

The Bronx Sewage System

Sonja's waiting for her Feng Shui expert, but unfortunately there's another a major flow problem -- the toilet. The plumber is there to asses the situation, but Sonja, the brazen independent lady that she is can handle it on her own. So she reaches into the toilet and pulls out a Blackberry! Yes, a Blackberry. Who's Blackberry is it? Did they know that it was missing? Will it ever send a BBM again? We don't know because Sonja dives right into the meeting with her expert to ensure her apartment's chi is good and her vision of herself "on the subway shaking a can" never comes to fruition. However I beseech you to watch the scene again.

Aside: Sonja's dog is a GUND bear. I just have to say it. She/he is. Look:

Focus on the left of this picture, that is a stuffed animal

Brooklyn Tweets Hard

Last week I assembled this phenomenal gallery of all of Jill Zarin's many skills. She's a financial expert, a doctor, an investigative reporter -- and now she's adding another profession to the list: painter.

Jill has the LuAnn and Kelly over to do a bit of a touch up and a touchbase on mean tweeting. Yes the ladies are painting (LuAnn is wearing boots and tights to do so, obvs) and gabbing about the internet. Apparently Simon has mean tweeted everyone. Mean tweeting is such a delightful official term. "Mean tweet" Why hasn't this become a portmanteau? Meanweet? Twean? Wait I've answered my own question on that one. Anyway, everyone is aghast at the idea.

However, back in Brooklyn, Simon and Alex are lounging and talking about the mean tweets in question. Alex decides to stand with Simon, which isn't surprising. Alex even says it explicitly -- "There is no Jill and Alex if there is no Jill and Simon." She's more invested in Simon than she is in Jill. This isn't necessarily surprising. She does have a lot more shares of Simon Van Kempen stock. So it seems Simon and Jill need to settle their differences or Alex's is going to short-sell all of the Jill stock she has (I think that's how investments work, but correct me if I'm wrong).

The Queen of the Night -- Sonja

Ramona and Sonja's joint birthday festivus is filled with a lot of greatness. Sonja was really very touched, and the slideshow of Ramona and Sonja in their younger days was a true delight. It's apparent these gals are true pals (rhyme intended!) and I love that they have so much history. Also, Ramona and Jill also have a moment, and Ramo let's Jill that next time she can just give her Skweez notes in advance, which seems like a progressive way to handle those future issues.

However, sweet emotions aside the pinnacle of the party was obviously Ramona's rose ceremony arrival line at the party. As Ramona arranged the line and gently corrected those that were not involved ("You're not part of this I'm sorry."), Jill gave scallops a try. I'm not sure which Bachelorettes ended up giving Sonja a rose, but she felt loved, so that's that.

Sonja I'm giving you this rose

Manhattan and Brooklyn – Closer than you had imagined

And finally the episode comes to perhaps the greatest end that we could ever imagine. Kelly and Alex sit down to have lunch and discuss this whole "mean tweeting" business. Kelly orders a single pancake, and proceeds to "check in" with Alex.

Kelly's concerned (everyone's concerned). She does not like Simon tweets. It's odd. Alex mentions that she's not the one tweeting and Kelly should take it up with Simon, but that's not flying with Kelly Bel. Kelly never mentions Alex's name, while Simon says "Ohh yes Kelly" (Kelly's exact words). Maybe Alex is having a hard time? She's got two kids, she's living in Brooklyn. Kelly's just a nobody down the block. Can Alex stop being red? It's bothering Kelly. Kelly wants you to know that Alex and her pageant dad could get "iced out." And then they get pancakes. Basically just watch this entire thing and decide who's side you are on. I personally can't until I get my single pancake:

Next week we get the glorious behind-the-scenes look at the making of "Chic C'est La Vie," including the hullabaloo about which wives couldn't be bothered to go to Atlantic City with LuAnn. Call me next time Countess. I'm an ace Blackjack player and an excellent lip-syncer.