Dolores Catania: You Want A Doggie Bag For That Cake?

This summer has had its share of challenges and tragedies. Hurricane Irma hit Saint Kitts where my daughter Gabby is attending Ross University School of Veterinary Medicine. Gabby didn't tell us how bad things were until days later so not to worry us. She makes me proud every single day. 

This season will test friendships, loyalties, and morality. Decade-old friendships are tested, old enemies become friends, new friends cause chaos, and some relationships are dissected while others remain unchallenged. But in the end the bonds of true friendships can't be broken. Loyalty always prevails.

Yes, my ex-husband moved back into my house after 18 years. Our kids are trying to cope with over-protective parents. My dogs, the chinchilla, and the guinea pig can’t figure out what’s going on. My family thinks I’ve lost my mind. As if my home and professional life isn’t challenging enough, my friends have been infiltrated by Sneaky and Crazy.

Well what do you think of Sneaky Margaret? She showed who she is within hours of meeting us. 

Sneaky approached me to badmouth Siggy as if I hadn’t witnessed Sneaky’s nasty comments first hand. I shut her down within minutes. From that exchange, she concluded: 

“Dolores is like a little mini Siggy. I can’t even get a word in edgewise. I mean it’s like literally she parroted everything Siggy says. I was like I didn’t even realize who I was talking to except that Dolores is a little scarier.”

First off, Siggy is my friend. Being compared to her is a compliment. Having said that, let’s talk sneaky backstabbing disrespectful low life. Welcome to the party, Sneaky Margaret. I witnessed her subversive commentary and her divide-and-conquer tactics. So when Sneaky tried to feed me her bullsh--, I told her I didn’t want to hear it. She couldn’t get a word in edgewise because I won’t waste my time listening to fools manipulate what I witnessed. Sneaky reporting back and misquoting what I said doesn’t surprise me. I expected it. 

I have known Teresa and her family for 20 years. We are friends—not TV friends—but real friends. Real friends celebrate the good, comfort during the bad, sometimes fight, always make up, and never have hidden agendas. I’m not in competition for Teresa. I know what we’ve been through. 

Teresa has gone through drastic changes in her life recently. Many people she depended on are not around, and some shady characters moved into place. The old Teresa would have stopped the new girls from mocking Siggy and Michael Campanella or questioning my loyalty. The old Teresa would have told Siggy she was overreacting about the cake but she was sorry about making her feel bad. The old Teresa would have told Melissa to stop acting like a self-absorbed child. The old Teresa would have demanded to know where the hell Siggy and I were during the beach ritual. The old Teresa would have told Siggy they had a ritual when Siggy asked what they did that day on the way to Lori’s house. The old Teresa valued old friendships and wasn’t influenced by anyone.  

Sometimes Siggy Gets a Little Excited

Siggy spent a lot of time planning the trip to Florida. She was over-the-top excited, showering Sneaky Margaret with praise while getting battered in return. The birthday dinner became the great reveal. Margaret was challenging everything Siggy said. She was going at Michael Campanella like a starved dog with a bone, attacking a man she never met.  

I saw Siggy’s expression as soon as she realized Sneaky was not her friend. Sneaky came with an agenda, and that agenda was to alienate Siggy from the rest of us. She kept jabbing and punching at Siggy, knowing when you attack someone’s family or profession, eventually you’re going to get a reaction. When the reaction came, Sneaky switched her approach to "Hey, tone it down. Why you overreacting, Soggy Flicker, Mrs Relationship expert?" Siggy was left picking up the pieces of her shattered plans.

Siggy Flicker Asks the Ladies to Behave

I never received a group text about yoga. I found out from Siggy. On our way to Lori’s house in the van, Siggy asked them what they did that afternoon. Their answer was “yoga.” Wasn’t the ritual more important than yoga? Why lie? It was to land another blow to Siggy while at Lori’s house. The new girls spent the day criticizing Lori’s hospitality. Siggy was so disgusted with how they were picking the luncheon apart that she told Lori what was going on.  

The dinner at Siggy’s house was to be the choreographed knockout punch delivered to Siggy. Everyone was screaming over each other. I remained silent, preferring to keep my eye on the crazy to my left to make sure her ass didn’t leave the chair. Sneaky was licking her chops as she delivered her overly-rehearsed Soggy Flicker line. Melissa kept whining about her cake and her birthday and wanting to spend it with fun people, blah blah blah.  

Teresa asking me to confirm events from the night before jolted me from my happy place. No I didn’t remember everything said the night before. I remember Sneaky’s exhausting attack on Michael Campanella, me telling Siggy to let it go when I saw how devastated she was, and Melissa whining. So being asked about specifics was futile. I said I don’t remember hearing it, I didn’t say it wasn’t said. Melissa accusing me of taking the fifth made me laugh almost as much as when she slapped Teresa to cue her to get up for their grand exit. 

Being Italian and concerned about them missing the meal, I offered to bring a doggie bag. 

We're just getting started!

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