Cary Deuber: They Are Hearing What They Want to Hear
"Sometimes, friends bring up difficult things with you because they actually are your friends."
Welcome back friends!
This week brought the grand opening of Lemmon Avenue Plastic Surgery and Laser Center (lemmonavenueplasticsurgery.com), my new aesthetic venture! We are so excited to be a truly full-service plastic surgery and aesthetic center of excellence, having added class-leading lasers and experts for head to toe, facial to vaginal rejuvenation services.
But this week also brought a new level of the misunderstanding among and between these girls; it seems so much is being said, and yet so much different is being heard (or misrepresented).
It started back in Beaver Creek with the “baby bashing” incident. Kam was clearly being told she was bashing Brandi about not sharing her adoption news when Kam felt she was entitled to it; but instead, all she could hear was that she was bashing a baby.
Then D’Andra decided to hear that she was being publicly embarrassed for having only $200 in her bank account, when in fact this came up between her supposedly close friends (who discussed it with her and NOT THE GROUP) out of genuine concern for her well being—but that’s not how she interpreted it.
I’m particularly troubled by what’s happening to LeeAnne. I have genuinely seen nothing but good from her this year. I truly believe she is learning from her past mistakes and making the effort to be a better person and a better friend. I don’t see any evidence of ill will from her these days, yet she’s being attacked about her upcoming wedding plans from multiple sides.
Last week, in defense of yet another confrontation about “why haven’t you set a date…, there must be something wrong you are hiding," LeeAnne tried to make a point with Brandi. She tried to liken it to a theoretical scenario: “What if I said you must have just adopted a baby to save your marriage?” Now, I heard a hypothetical comparison to show why people shouldn’t speculate about her relationship. I very clearly heard a one-on-one HYPOTHETICAL comparison to make a very clear point to defend herself and her relationship. This was also never spread back to the group by LeeAnne. Instead, Brandi chose to hear that LeeAnne really thinks she adopted a baby to save her marriage. Don’t get me wrong, I can see where Brandi is coming from when she’s upset. Maybe LeeAnne should have picked a different hypothetical to make her point, but it was clearly a hypothetical. Again, a big misunderstanding that I fear is really going to get blown out of proportion.
Again this week, there’s another sit down with LeeAnne and D’Andra—this time alcohol comes up. I saw one friend bringing up a genuine concern about the well being of another. I didn’t see anyone say that anyone else was an alcoholic. But that apparently is what was heard…and then it was brought back to the group to now become “fact.” The real fact is, if you knew someone’s dad was an alcoholic, and you knew they committed suicide, maybe bringing up that concern with them in a private conversation is, in fact, exactly what a good friend would do, without making a public accusation. That’s exactly what I saw.
Which brings me to the point of why I’ve desperately tried to be upfront with all of these girls this year. They are hearing what they want to hear, or don’t want to hear, or just think they heard without listening to what’s *actually* being said. They are forming some really negative opinions about one another, based on some genuinely mild things. They are making mountains out of mole hills.
D’Andra brought back to the group that she had $200 in the bank. She brought back to the group that LeeAnne supposedly said she’s an alcoholic (which I, for one, didn’t see at all). Brandi brought back to the group that LeeAnne said she adopted a baby to save her marriage (which I didn’t exactly see either).
I really wish these girls would listen to each other a little more closely. And look into their hearts to try to keep the peace. Let LeeAnne have her time and space as she plans for her perfect wedding. That’s her business, not anybody else’s. We really need to see where people are coming from a little better. Sometimes, friends bring up difficult things with you because they actually are your friends. Have you stopped to think that maybe it’s out of genuine concern, and NOT because they want to hurt you?
Why did I finally shut it all down at my laser center grand opening? You girls want to blow each other up over selective hearing? Fine, do it in private. Don’t do it at my place of business directly in front of my friends, colleagues and patients. That’s not cool. So, I appreciated them respecting those boundaries.
And those meatballs were really good. I’m glad Mark had a great time at the party. It’s the first time he’s seen a bunch of these girls in a while, and it was a positive experience… hopefully one of many more to come.
