Touchdown Marcellus

Are you ready for some football? Or are you ready for one hot football dude? Hope you are my friends, because this week Patti was matching ESPN host and amazing voice haver Marcellus Wiley. Also, a 58-year old man who’s never been in love. Oh brother. Let’s begin shall we?

Don't: Be an Interviewer
As I mentioned, Patti's got Marcellus Wiley on deck. He's adorable, has a sexy voice (Patti even admitted it got her, ahem, wet), but he asks way too many questions. Dude's a walking background check. He wants a pretty girl, but he also think the car needs gas (brains) to go. Patti tries to explain to him the system to meet a lady without interrogating her. . .

Frankly he could interrogate the crap out of me. He's so charming! And happy! How can you not love a jovial giant like that! Patti could have really phoned it in on this one because he's so easy to love. However, she's, of course, going to find him exactly what he wants, which is a woman that's bigger, better, and badder than him (it gives him wood!). This seems like a no-brainer as soon as long as he doesn't ask too many questions.

Do: Stop dating young girls
Michael is a Chippendale's entrepreneur who's looking for a young lady he can sing songs too. Young is the operative word. Even though he's 58, he likes to date in the 20s range. Patti is obviously not going to let this fly. . .

Find your Heather Lockler friend! She's out there, and you can sing songs to her and relish in the fact that she actually knows some of the musical artists you're referencing. Isn't that a novel idea?

Do: Fix your hair
Patti had a spat of women this week with especially ridiculous hair. In particular this girl who does not understand the difference between lipo and collagen.

If Patti Stanger tells you she's going to push you down the stairs, she's probably going to push you down the stairs. Take note lady! Also the way to prove you're not a transexual is not to pull your dress up. That only proves that you are a fool. . .

Do: Be European
It adds seven years to your maturity level -- and allows you to enjoy both opera and Pink as far as Patti is concerned.

Don't: Wear red lipstick
Men don't want to kiss it, says Patti. Destin delightfully disagrees.

Don't: Listen to Patti
The ladies this week surprisingly listened to Patti. All of her makeover needing candidates turned it out, and showed up for the mixer looking much less bedraggled and gross than when Patti initially found them. This lead to a fairly incident free mixer. Sure Mike was a little bummed the ladies weren't as young as he normally likes. And sure Rachel and Patti had to pull Marcellus out and remind him that a sports quiz wasn't the thing to do. You can't decide if a woman is the lady for you based on her knowledge of the Cardinals starting line-up. Nor should you give them the "Jewish Inquisition," as Michael did. 

In the end, Marcellus picked Monique, who's adorable, and Michael picked Rolana. Both gals seem appropriate/not crazy. These dates should be breezes.

Do: Add a "-licious" to the end of your screenname
No guy is going to pick Jenny. But they will of course pick "Sweet and Spicy."

Don't: Sing a lady a song
While normally I would have to call out Marcellus having a fitness date, their terrible tennis game was actually really cute. Instead, it's Michael's date that is deserving of my scorn. First he takes his date up on a hot-air balloon, which is a little terrifying for her since she's afraid of heights. But it was the barrel room and the string quartet that was a little excessive -- and then there was the song.

I know, what's wrong with me? I'm a terrible person! I hate romance. I've grown cold of heart and mind and spirit. But tell me this song wasn't a little much. The Greatest Hits album, the performance! Reign it in guy. People should not sing songs to each other until at least the third date.

I guess love was easy to see in her eyes, but oof. They seemed pretty happy though, even if it seems it didn't work out in the end. All in all not a bad week.

But next week is it! Patti is her own client and seeing if she can follow the rules. Frankly, I cannot wait. This has doozie written all over it.