I’ve Been McCarthied

First of all, when I get sick –- not only do I look expressionless and pale and sound stuffy, but my voice goes up a few octaves. It's embarrassing. I was sick then, I'm sick now. Sucks. And our millionaires didn't help me feel any better.

As Patti stated, we have the Jersey Gentleman and the Brentwood Bastard. The "Gentleman" is Rachel's client Richie Cunningham, er. . .Harry Potter, rather Thelma from Scooby-Doo, no, no I mean Archie -- dammit BILL! Yes, Bill. . .that's his name. Bill owns some internet pay service and is a nerd. Sweet guy, probably got beat up a lot. The "Bastard" is my guy, Skylar. Skylar is a young, good looking, Brentwood brat that has a silver spoon shoved up his. . .well, you know. He does nightclub promoting or DJing or attending or something like that. His problem? Too young, too fun, and wants to feel what its like on the adult side of things. Baller!

Bill's sweetness oozes when he says he's attracted to Tina Fey (aww my kind of guy!) but not her looks, just her personality (points lost). . .and he wants it wrapped up in the package of Anne Hathaway (who doesn't). Skylar's "I've played the field, lived the life" comment sounds even more like a bad movie when he follows it up with "I'm attracted to Britney Spears before she went crazy." (Son, she was always crazy)

Bill gets sent to the Jenny Mcarthy School for Picking Up Girls; where he has fun and gets slightly fondled by Jenny. I have to admit, I was severely jealous -- having always had a secret crush on her -- but then equally destroyed to find out I never would have had the chance based on her comment "If they're not overweight, there's hope." Sigh. I'm not a big guy, but I ain't tiny either. Damn you camera for adding 10. . .or 20 pounds. 25? Sigh again. Thank God I'm working out.

After Bill's roleplay session and watching Patti and Jenny do their best Night at the Roxbury impression, he joins Skylar at the MC Pool Party Mixer. Having been, as I put it, Mcarthied, he spits his best game to the bikini-clad girly girls at the mixer. Skylar on the other hand, just kind of leers at boobies and camel toe. After a quick intervention though, the real Skylar pops out from out of nowhere and turns out -- he's actually a rather intelligent guy with depth and humor! Who knew? Douche comment I made earlier. . .rescinded.

Bill picks Tracey as his master date (he should have stuck with his alternate choice, Erin). They go on a pier date and play skeeball and carnival games. He pretends he has muscles and does the strongman test. Then takes her up in a Ferris Wheel -- where he ASKS to kiss her!!! And, when she agrees, he just gives her a peck! Where's the tongue?! Didn't Mistress Jenny teach you anything?!?

Skylar choo choo choses Jenn over larger-butted Kristin, sorry, hot-ass Kristin and takes her out to do hot yoga. Nothing says first impression like body odor. Afterwards, though, he takes her out to a nice dinner, and they have some chemistry.

In the end, Bill comes back to the office having learned that Tracey just thinks he's swell. . .as a friend. . .and that he needs more Mcarthy training. He also needs some kissing training (to learn the mystical "kiss that kills"), which Patti happily offers up Rachel for. Cue Destin's "look that kills."

We also learn Skylar was texting Jenn asking her out on a second date. That's a no-no and he gets a slap on the wrist from Patti. So he fixes his mistake by calling her and asking her properly. She agrees. Good MIT (millionaire in training)! You're learning Skylar! Proud of you.

Oh, and did I mention Rachel looked cute in her sailor dress at the pool mixer? I'm a lucky guy. Now, I'm going back to bed. Cough cough.

D