The Island of Lost Handbags

If a train covered in leopard and paisley is heading from New York City to the Hamptons at a speed of 50, while an umbrella-shrouded train is heading toward New York City from upstate NY at 60 miles per hour, at what point will they collide?

Well since I didn't take the SAT (Southerners love the ACT), I only learned the answer in this week's episode. The solution: about they time they hit the Hoboken train station.

This week's Lost and Found-themed episode was a doozie. Lost and found in public transit conjures up such a ridiculous treasure trove of finds. I was thinking of items similar to the ones depicted in this NYC subway ad. So I was really looking forward to designs that incorporated dentures, and snakes, and canes, and leftover sammies and such.

Instead the designers managed to lay their hands on what was practically a recently restocked T.J.Maxx's worth of goods. People leave the strangest things in the New Jersey train station! I'm thinking these items were from whole lost suitcases, as opposed to travelers that just casually left a pair of leather pants in the seat next to them while they were reading the paper and waiting on the 5:40 to Secaucus. But the materials never matter as much as the message, and this week's message was lost in translation. Lost at Sea. Land of the Lost. Lost Boys! Really, really, not good.

Iman was displeased for real. She refused to even use the word winner. As though saying winner was like speaking the name that shalln't be named in Harry Potter. The outfits sort of looked like the designers went from forgetful travelers to Hoarders in no time. Clutching tightly to any hat, scarf, handbag or other piece of ephemera they could get their grubby paws on.

"Here take this hat to protect you from the cruel North Hampton sun and the dangerous wildlife."

"Shield your body from the rhinos with this peplum vest."

It did seem a bit like the House of Emerald really thought the Hamptons were a lot more similar to the plains of Africa than White Plains, New York. Cesar says she often goes to the Hamptons in this clip, but I'm not sure where he's staying. Perhaps in a tent with Meryl Streep and that's why he got confused, because this was some Out of Africa business.

However, Dominique really nailed it with her reverse-maneuver, inside-out trench and then, of course the umbrella dress. Dominique pulled her best Rihanna, while everyone else was desperately trying to cover all manner of sins with lost handbags.

Aside: next time you're in a car. I challenge you to play an instrumental version of the song as you cruise around. It makes everything happening on the street look so much more quaint and Rockwellian. Pedestrians appears instantly precious.

Calvin was not in his Fred Astaire happy place though, and claimed he was a little miffed that Dominique keeps doing the same dress. Calvin sort of has a point, but even though she's always doing a shift dress with a kicky coat, it's always a different feeling shift dress with a kicky coat. It's like saying, "Picasso, you used canvas again, I'm tired of you." Maybe I'm just saying this because I love a shift dress and a kicky coat (one of my secret reasons for moving to NYC was so I could copious coats without shame), but Dominique has consistently done more than I thought she could have.

Cesar is slowly turning into his tyrannt namesake. Not only is he ruling Cindy with an iron fist, he kept talking about how making swimsuits was like taking a dump. I have to say, while there is no item of clothing that I think should be referred to as "dump-similar" or "dump-esque," swimsuits might be actually the grossest. It conjures imagery of pools and floaters, and all sorts just awful, awful things. Shield your imagaination's eyes, I say.

But at the end of the day, his swimsuits managed to flounder to safety, and it was David's fully outfitted outfit that was left unclaimed. As he expounded on pecans, and told Dominique to give him a call post-show, we wondered what could have been. If he had fully realized such previous grievances as his Peter Pan dress and MJ's Grandmother's jumpsuit had been as realized as David's own duds. Was it the chains of love that held him back? We'll never know.

But I hope that we do know what shakes out with those two. Are they still together, sewing adorable outfits and playing the harmonica? Baking pecans into a pie filled with love? Wearing the plaid jumpsuit and forcing themselves to make clothes worthy of Iman.

A girl can dream, can't she?