To Walk The Red Carpet

Did you miss me? Allure's editor-in-chief, Linda Wells, was top judge this week, so I was free to get a massage...or, in reality, catch up on my fashion-director duties. But just because I wasn't sitting on the stool doesn't mean I don't have opinions.

I love how spicy things got. I mean Tabatha and Anthony at the spa, trash-talking Tyson and -- my favorite part -- Anthony calling the other stylists "wankers"? Those two are like the kids who rode at the back of the bus, sneaking smokes and bullying the rest of the class. And then Danna going mental on Evangelin? I didn't see that one coming. And once Tabatha joined the brawl, those hedge clippers weren't as sharp as the tongues in that room. I felt like I was watching Dynasty -- with all the bitch-slapping, name calling, and teased hair.

For the elimination challenge, each stylist had to create a red-carpet style for Vanessa Williams -- and Danna really nailed it. It was as if she'd channeled Wilhelmina Slater, Vanessa's character on Ugly Betty who struts around with the most fabulously done-up hair. The combination of the teasing on top and woven pieces in back was both restrained and paparazzi-perfect.

Maybe she was still enraged about Evangelin "single handedly setting back the hair profession," because Tabatha f'd this one up, as she would say. The hair in front was tight, but in back she let out a roar of twisted curls pushed to one side, so you got a glimpse of that angry updo even before the model turned around.

Anthony went with a classic, the beehive. But it reminded me of another classic, the Cone Head. His hive shot up a good six inches into the air, teetering a little to the left. The red-carpet event for this? A UFO convention.

Daisy's model had really curly hair, but instead of whipping out her flat iron, she went with it by winding three sections into buns on the back of the head. The style was neat -- even pretty. But was it Vanessa Williams? No. And did it complement the dress. with its beading and busy box pattern? Not really. If Daisy had just played it straight, she could have been a contender.

And then there's Ben. It was as if an octopus had landed on her head, its tentacles hanging down in thick, sticky tendrils. It was awful. As Vanessa said, "Heavy and like the end of a long prom night."

I said in my last blog that for a stylist to be a shear genius, he'd have to take risks. Boogie did -- he is the self-proclaimed master of red-carpet hair, after all. His sweeping updo had a hump, for lack of a better word, on each side of the head and a big swoop of bangs. With a little more teasing it would have been Princess Leia on crack. Instead, it looked Victorian and beautiful and like something a celebrity with real chutzpah could pull off.

Man, the hubris is on high his week. Tyson said his specialty is "making hair hot." His style was hot all right -- scalding to the senses. High and smooth on the top and sides, then pinned into a thin strip of tangled curls in back, it was as if a chignon and a mohawk had had a one-night stand and this was their unwanted child.

There's nothing Sally hates more than tendrils. You'd think the stylists would have done a little homework, worked their way into Sally's psyche -- but no. There were tendrils dangling in all their ugly glory on nearly half the models this week. But nothing -- except maybe a tattle from Tabatha -- could have prepared Sally, or anyone, for Evangelin's tendrils. They were thin. They were scraggly. They crept all the way around the head. They were kinked on the ends... It was a serious what-the-hell-is-that moment. And it all could have been avoided if Evangelin had just reached for her beloved hedge clippers. I hope they serve her better at the salon.

The stylists sure did take chances, and they managed to create a few (well, maybe a very few) good looks. See you next week on the stool...