Recap: The Big Turkish Secret

Velvet wallpaper, buying cars by the swing of your pendant, Adam’s birthday, and GG’s big secret…just another day with our Shahs.

Before we get to GG’s big Turkish secret, I’d like to take a moment to highlight some Shah-tastic moments from last night’s episode.

Now that Mike is on his own in the real estate world, he’s been hustling hard. In fact, he’s been hustling so hard, he’s even picked up a new buzz word: CLASSY!

If I took a shot for every time Mike used the phrase, “It’s classy,” I’d be “mom-wasted.” You know “mom-wasted”- you get a little buzzed, then you go around telling people you’re wasted (when you’ve only had 3 drinks).

Let’s revisit Mike’s new catchphrase…

Aztec grass root wallpaper (gives it a shimmery look): Very classy!

“Moroccan mirror, very expensive. Classy.”

Imitation alligator: It’s classy.

Purple velvet walls? Not just classy, It’s: “How f---in' pimp is that, bro?”

Yup! Super pimp if your name is Prince!

Stay classy, Mike!

While Mike was busying keeping it “classy,” MJ has been slaving over a hot stove cooking for her man and being in love. The most impressive thing about seeing MJ and Charlie together was not the fact that she made French toast from scratch, it was that she found a hole in the ground.

Next, I’d like to pay homage to the little pendant that could. You know, there are whole websites dedicated to buying cars, especially ones for women buying cars. There are books about negotiating, even brokers that go in and negotiate for you -- but not if you’re Asa. She doesn’t do the choosing, her pendant does. It’s like the 2015 version of heads or tails, but with chakras.

I know Asa fancies herself the Persian Pop Priestess, but when it comes to buying a Mercedes, she’s Chakra-Khan.

Asa’s guide to choosing the perfect car:

Step 1: Sage the garage.

Step 2: Bring a pendant, and put your car fate in the hands of 24K Gold.

Step 3: Break the mold. As a Persian, you are required by the handbook to have a white Mercedes, but if your pendant says go black, you never go back.

As Zinat says, “You are really veirdo, Asa!”

Finally, let’s talk about GG’s big Turkish secret. Let me back up for a minute and let’s recap Shah history: When a Shah has a secret (and pardon me for the generalization), it has a shelf life. It needs to get out or it will spontaneously combust. And although the big secret hasn’t come out quite yet, it’s slowly seeping out and something tells me this isn’t going to end well.

Before Adam’s 30th birthday, GG not only consulted Reza, but she also talked to her dad, who had some sound advice. He told her to weigh the issue to see how much she is hurting the person and how much she is hurting herself. All great advice until, you’re provoked and that’s just what happened…

At Adam’s 30th birthday, when Shervin and Asifa broke the news that Mike was going to propose to Jessica, GG couldn’t help herself and told them her big Turkish secret. Their minds were blown, just as everyone else’s were, but now what?

Reza told GG she needs to talk to Mike before anyone else does, because at this point it’s the right thing to do. But he also doesn’t want to get in trouble with Mike for keeping the secret. Reza and Mike already have had enough bad history between the two of them, and this little incident certainly isn’t going to help.

If you were in GG’s shoes what would you do? If you were in Reza, MJ, and Asa’s shoes, what would you do? I don’t envy anyone’s position and I certainly don’t want to be in Mike or Jessica’s shoes when the bomb drops! Someone get this crew some new red-bottom shoes and some sage!

Not a lot got resolved this episode, but we did learn one thing -- Charlie is circumcised. And according to Reza, that’s not appropriate dinner table talk. Adam, I didn’t mind it. It was our little amuse-bouche before the drama.

Comments? Tweet me @nadinerajabi.

Nadine Rajabi is a television producer, writer, and stand-up comedian from Los Angeles. Most importantly she's Bravo's in-house Persian.