Recap: A Little Too Much Diamond Water...

Sorry I’ve been late on my recap this week. We’ve been doing something a little bizarre and fun with our beloved Shahs that I’ll be able to announce in a day or two.  But, trust me when I say it’s bizarre…

This week we witnessed the intergalactic Diamond Water party and all things Baller #1 and #2. I’m sure Asa’s kicking herself for not saging the venue (or yet another episode), because there was anything BUT "joy, health, happiness, purity, love, and life.”

But before we get to the Reza/Mike bromance gone south, let’s talk about MJ’s sex tape(s). OK, first of all, the fact that she has sex tapes on her hard drive and is trying to recover them worries me…for many reasons. I love that she went to some random computer shop in Hollywood to have her “x-files” recovered. MJ, this is how sex tapes are leaked. So if you see something on TMZ in three weeks, you’ll know where it came from. 

And not to concern MJ, but this “computer” store doesn’t look like it even carries computers.

Printer paper, maybe…but not computers.

Either way, kudos to MJ for being that bold. I’d rather take a bath with my hair dryer than look at myself naked.

While MJ was getting her “hard drive” searched, Mike paid a visit to his poker (no pun intended) friends, Baller #1 and Baller #2. I’m happy to see they run a high-class operation with assistants, Skank #1 and Skank #2. 

It warms my heart to see Skank #2 so diligent in her note taking…

I’ll take a #4 lunch special if you’re taking orders…

Can someone tell me what kind of work they do around here? I was expecting Liberace to pop out of the baby grand.

I was surprised their desks weren’t mirrored…

For Mike’s sake he should really stop hanging out with Baller #1, and Baller #2. Because wanting to “show everyone the big middle finger to everyone to say ha ha ha, I’m the richest,” isn’t exactly the attitude any human being should have. Earth to Mikey! Please come back here, thanks!

Thankfully, he has Jessica and his mom to set him straight. He better put a ring on it, or someone else will! What girl converts religion, cooks Shabbat dinner, and does everything with no ring on it? Jessica is a good girl. Mike, don’t let her slip or you’ll be hanging with the likes of Skank #1 and Skank #2 your whole life. Get with the program! You want to get a ring “to blind the haters?” How about just getting a ring, period?

And speaking of getting married, it looks like GG can’t be alone for a minute because she’s on the hunt for a husband and some babies, STAT. So she goes on a date with Shayan, the dude she hooked-up with while she was on a break with Sean. Not like it was a stretch, it seems like she’s had him in her back pocket the whole time. Well, most of him at least, his pecks didn’t fit.

Babies or not, GG wants to show her new boy toy off to MJ at the Diamond Water party. And of course MJ gives GG a sh-t about Shayan’s age, but it gets old quick. Regardless, that wasn’t even the real problem of the night. Reza and Mike were. My GOD! Was Mike sipping on Grandpa’s cough medicine before coming to the party? It looks like he drank the whole pharmacy.

Here’s a quick index for you, in case you need interpretation:

The Mike drunk dictionary:

Mike: Reza, you're my bitch! HAHAHA! He can suck my Diamond Water.
Straight Interpretation: Reza, I’m really upset with you. Suck it. I’m drunk.

Mike: I haven’t been to Turkey since I had chicken.
Straight Interpretation: Turkey. Get it? Like Thanksgiving bird? No? Hello? Is this thing on? I’m still drunk.

Mike: Diamond Water is going to be the biggest thing since Fiji water, believe me.
Straight Interpretation: I have a vision. Diamond Water will be huge. I wish I had some right now. I have a splitting headache. I love playing MC. I love the microphone. I love you. Do you love me? My shoes don’t suck. Reza’s still a bitch. Did I tell you I’m drunk?

No need to thank me for the interpretation, I’m fluent in drunk. Now on to the shattered bromance. I think Mike came into this party upset and completely fueled over his work partnership being broken and hurt that his friend hadn’t reached out to him after Club Noor. And Reza is upset that his friend didn’t back him up at the club or reach out to him afterward. 

I believe Reza is wrong assuming that Mike should have automatically backed him up regardless in the Sasha situation. What Mike did at Club Noor was noble, and he did the right thing. Now, he certainly should not have been so wasted having this conversation at Asa’s Diamond Water party. But you put Mike and Reza together after not seeing each there for a long period of time, they’re both a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. And, oh did it explode! 

Bottom line is they’re both hurt and it’s obvious that these friends shouldn’t mix business with pleasure. That’s just an added layer that muddies everything. I’m sure Mike learned his lesson the hard way: Don’t sh-t where you eat. I feel bad for Mike, not because Reza thinks he has old Gucci shoes, but because he’s obviously hurting. As for Reza, seeing how drunk Mike was, he should have sidelined the conversation for another night, not during the intergalactic Persian Pop Priestess’ big night. Additionally, if he’s already taken responsibility for his bad behavior at Club Noor, he should also understand why Mike did what he did that night. 

Side note: Don’t you love the fact that GG at one point tried to put Mike in check in the middle of all of the turmoil? Who died and made GG the rational one? I like this side of GG! But judging by the look of next week’s tease, it doesn’t look like GG keeps her cool for too long…but whatever it is, I’ll take it! 

At the end of the day I really hope Mike and Reza can just put their differences aside, absolve their work partnership and just get back to square one, being friends. As for Baller #1 and Baller #2…a few words of advice: If you’re going paperless in your office, you should get your assistants iPads. That way they can actually order direct instead of taking lunch notes. 

Until next episode…

Comments? Tweet me @nadinerajabi

Nadine Rajabi is a television producer, writer, and stand-up comedian from Los Angeles. Most importantly she's Bravo’s in-house Persian.