Ep 8: Persian Empire Divided

This week’s episode of the Shahs must be what it felt like when the Persian Empire broke up and divided. Just like our Shahs, those poor little countries (or shall I say modern territories to be historically correct) must have been like, what’s up with this? I thought we were an empire? We told the truth and we still got conquered?! Well, sometimes the truth will set you free in Reza’s case with Sasha, and if you’re GG, you lose. And if you’re Mike, you’re the country that feels slighted and wants to conquer all.

But miracles can happen in a Persian Empire. Look at GG and Asa. Who would have thought that GG and Asa would be friends after hoop-earring gate at the pool party last season? In hopes to get her “impulses” under control, Asa took GG to Tai Chi. What someone should have told Asa is that when one impulse is suppressed, another pops up. Um…GG is one horny mother f-cker! Girlfriend has some serious sex on her mind.

Million-dollar question of the day from GG, “This is all about sex, isn’t it?”



Only if you’re a catholic schoolgirl not wanting to get pregnant it is.

Asa tells us that Tai Chi opens up your chakras…



And GG’s chakras told her to hump Asa.

Poor GG. Little did she know that her pent up sexual energy wouldn’t get satisfied anytime soon. Hopefully, with all of this Tai Chi she can control her urge “to cut MJ’s fat tits off and bitch slap her with them.” Her words, not mine. And while we’re on the subject of GG, let’s talk about her and Sean. Our ever so impulsive Persian humper, GG, decided the truth would set her free if she tells Sean about the guy she kissed at Lilly’s party, Shayan.

Well, her little plan backfired to say the least. I lost my sh-t when Sean said, “I want anyone I want to be in a relationship with me to want me to be in a relationship with them…” GG’s response of, “Huh?” was right on. I felt like I was listening to a conversation between Scooby-Doo and Shaggy. What do these two talk about??? How does their relationship work? I feel like they just walk around bonking their heads around, get in fights, make-up by acting on GG’s “impulses,” stare at themselves in the mirror, fight some more, then communicate by staring blankly at each other while grunting like cavemen.

Anyway, just before GG dropped the bomb, Sean did say that part of life is forgiving the other person and yourself. Now if someone were to say that to me, I’d think I was in good hands. How could Sean NOT know GG’s news she was going to tell him? It’s been the on-going fight (or at least the one we see)! Well, after a fireball shot, some wine, and a slur -- GG finally told Sean.

Annnd he asked to see her phone. That’s when GG told him if he saw it then it would come off wrong. Here’s where GG went wrong -- if she wanted to salvage her relationship with Sean so bad, she should have STOPPED talking to Shayan! I don’t care if she barely texts him back, she should have cut off communication, period. GG even said it herself at gay pride that she likes to have a few boys as backup. Which proves she’s not ready to settle down. So the truth sure set her free…and her relationship. Maybe she should limit her boozing and stick to air humping.

Now let’s talk about he infamous apology between Reza and Sasha. As soon as Sasha sits down he ordered an Earl Grey tea -- so Persian of him. Persians love their tea and Earl Grey is the tea of choice if Persian tea isn’t available. I have to tell you that every time I hear the word “Earl Grey tea” I always think that there should be a porn star named Earl Grey and all he does is tea bag people.

I digress…Listen, some people may say the apology was contrived, but the truth is Reza apologized and it went as well as it could have gone. A lot of my friends talking about the show asked a valid question, “Would Reza have apologized if cameras weren’t on?” Who knows? But fact is that Reza took the proper steps of facing his demons with talking to a therapist and DID apologize.

Sasha asked a very valid question, did Reza think he was flirting with Adam. Reza said no…I’m not in Reza’s head, but I call B.S. on that. Something set him off, and it wasn’t Sasha’s Persian accent. Let’s retrace our steps, Reza comes home, another gay Iranian male is at his house talking to his boyfriend…it doesn’t add up. Moving forward…Reza and Sasha were both born in the same country both have struggled in their own way. Reza felt shame being an Iranian gay male that was half Muslim/half Jewish living in Beverly Hills. While Sasha had to deal with war sirens and being gay in a country that doesn’t let you wear tank tops or shorts. Having visited Iran, I can vouch as a female I wasn’t able to leave the house without my head covered. I was there in the thick of summer wearing a headscarf and a trench coat…it’s not fun. It makes you appreciate your freedom. I was born in the U.S. and never even realized how I took my freedom for granted until having such an experience. And that’s something so little, imagine what Sasha went through…

I’m happy that Reza apologized and Sasha accepted it. Sasha went as far as telling Reza that he had balls to apologize…big ones. I wonder if Reza’s balls have a matching mustache? Too far? Let’s see if the two can move on and develop a friendship from here.

Now let’s talk about Mike and his need to get Jessica an obnoxiously expensive wedding ring. I appreciate Mike wanting to get Jessica a really nice ring, but he should get her one because he wants to do it for her…NOT as a representation of himself. Mike thinks it means power, wealth, and it goes beyond the wedding. As he said, because he’s marrying a non-Persian girl, he wants to slap everyone with it as a sign of look what I did. I love Mike, but while he’s at it, he should have added that he wants to pee on her. Geez! She’s not property.

His brother’s had a good point in saying that Mike is marrying an American girl and they don’t care about all those things. Mike, I’ll say this: Forget about the image and remember why you’re getting Jessica a ring in the first place. It’s just a symbol of love, not ego. Listen, I wouldn’t turn down a fat rock, but I wouldn’t want a rock if it meant I had to live in a shoebox apartment eating Ramen noodles.

Mike thinks if Reza had followed through on his promises, he’d be able to afford the ring he wanted. Um, I don’t see Reza driving a fancy car or living in the Taj Mahal. I think they were both not living in reality when they decided to be business partners.

Which brings me to Mike’s friend’s poker party. Highlight of that party…Sammy’s fedora! We haven’t seen that thing pop up all season. I was taking bets as to when we’d see his bald head and we finally did…well, his covered bald head. Sammy, do me a favor, if you’re on next season, please get a new fedora. Tweet me your address, I’ll collect from all of us viewers and buy you a new one.

I bet whatever is under that fedora has a heartbeat. And because it’s Persian, I’m sure it’s wearing a gold chain and has a hairy back.

Moving on…the fact that Mike’s friends’ chryon read “Big Baller #1 and “Big Baller #2” concerns me. Think that’s on their business card? Who calls themselves that? What also concerns me, is that Baller #2 said he didn’t make money to be with one girl. Don’t know if these are choice friends for Mike. But the kicker of the night was when Baller #2 told Mike that he’s like them…they’re lions. Baller #2’s words of wisdom for the night, “You don’t go work for sheep, eventually we’re going to run into each other and we’re going to eat you.” Thanks, Socrates #2.

Mike says he left a thriving commercial real estate business to go work with Reza. I’m pretty sure last season Mike thought the commercial real estate business wasn’t what it used to be and that’s why he went to go work with Reza. Mike needs to check his macho at the door and not be so concerned about having to “show” his success.

Meanwhile, during the poker match, Reza and Adam had their housewarming party that included the $3,500.00 caviar that Reza bought out of a vending machine with CASH.

How that vending machine didn’t accept credit cards is beyond me, but for the price of that tin of caviar, he could have bought a nice computer, a used car, gone on a vacation, put money toward the Cartier ring for Adam, bought 504 rubber chickens, adopted a child, and the list goes on…

Anyway, after Reza’s guests kept taking $100 bites of caviar, the subject of Mike came up at dinner. MJ encouraged Reza to call Mike, and he admitted that he’s in a dark place with Mike. He said that all the people in his life that got in the way of his friendship with MJ are not in his life right now. He said Mike is not around, Lilly is not around, and GG is not around. He’s all about reassessing his life right now…

I don’t know what to think about this whole Mike and Reza thing except for doing business with friends is tough. I don’t know what Reza promised Mike, or what Mike’s expectations are. There are two sides to every story and then there’s the truth. From a work standpoint, I wonder if MJ feels validated over this Mike debacle?

The Persian Empire has been divided, and there is still a tin full of caviar leftover. Until next week…

Comments? Tweet me @nadinerajabi

Nadine Rajabi is a television producer, writer, and stand-up comedian from Los Angeles. Most importantly she's Bravo’s in-house Persian.