You've Been Advised

I love that my mom thinks bisexuals are confused. I think they’re actually quite clear when they say, “Yes, I’d prefer one with a penis and one without.” I don’t see the issue here. So, how cute is my dog Daisy when she rolls her eyes at my mom on the phone? See, Daisy is not on vacation all the time.

Contrary to what my co-host, Menace, says, I don’t bash monogamy as much as I make it my life’s work to help people have a monogamous relationship or be successful at whatever kind of relationship makes sense to them. That’s why I started the Sex With Emily show and wrote a book on Hot Sex. You can even buy it here. A dying sex life will lead to a dying relationship. Spice up your sex life. Today. It’s imperative.

Why is Menace bringing a date to my book party? For the record, I think if you’re single you should never feel like you HAVE to bring a date. Maybe that’s why you’re still single, because you grabbed that guy that you kinda sorta liked because you didn’t want to be alone in a situation where you might actually meet someone. Why not put yourself in more situations to be single. Think about it. Amy. Is. Bad. Ass. I love when she goes all Tony Soprano on her client. I believe she would actually break his legs if he broke her rules. Now I’m afraid to break her rules. It occurs to me that Amy is the kind of person you want with you in the trenches during wartime or any natural disaster.

Oh, Ms. Julia. That must’ve been fun when the editor tells you that Los Angeles is a bad city to date in. Kind of like when you book a trip to Thailand and someone notifies you it’s hurricane season. I’m amused that everyone thinks whatever town they live in is the worst place to date. Yes, I’ve heard that about Los Angeles, but in fairness, I’ve heard the same thing about New York, San Francisco, and just about everywhere else. I don’t believe it for a second. If you’re single, it’s not the city you live in, it’s you. Wherever you live you can find someone to date. Take a different route home from work, sign up for a class, and practice talking to men and women… I’ll get into that more later. Or listen to my show here. I talk about it and give a lot of advice on dating and relationships.

The book launch party was a success from what I can remember. No, I wasn’t drunk. I’m not actually that big of a drinker, which is annoying because people always ask me when I’m going to name the drink I’ve been holding all night.

The Hot Sex book launch at Harlot is kind of a blur because so many of my friends, acquaintances, and ex-boyfriends (there were actually more than one at second glance) were there. Oh, and my brother. Wasn’t that classy when I screamed “Michael” so loudly across the room? Clearly I was excited, and how cute is he? He doesn’t visit from Michigan often, and it was really special to have him there for such a big night in my life. So why is my brother the man in the life? Quick rundown (you’ll need this info later): Parents were divorced when I was 9. I attended four of my parents’ weddings before I was 25-years-old. They had a bad habit of re-marrying and divorcing. Then my dad died suddenly of a heart attack when he was 49 and I was 19. It was devastating for both me and Michael, and Michael has truly been the man in my life ever since.

Cut to Julia’s beautiful, Rockwellian family. I wanted one of those blintz things they were eating for breakfast. In fact I wanted to plop down beside all of them, chat, and maybe stay awhile. Insightful to hear that Julia’s parents are obsessed with her love life, and I can’t help but wonder if that isn’t what made her obsessed with getting married. Julia, let’s talk offline.

Back in New York... oh, Amy, my dear, you met him at the gym!? Why didn’t I have this information before? Never date guys you meet at the gym! OK, never say never. You could meet a guy anywhere, and on second thought, I’ve dated a trainer or two.

Ah, San Francisco for my mini therapy session on the Michael and Menace show. Good times. Just to clarify, most Sex With Emily shows do not dissect my life. Usually it’s my listeners’ lives I’m analyzing and advising, but Menace had my brother in his death grip line of questioning (dog with a bone comes to mind). Side note: How many times in this episode does my brother give me “no you didn’t” look by the way? If we had to drink for each one of his looks, we’d all be tanked.It’s true that I haven’t found someone, but it’s also true that I haven’t been looking. I have been singularly and solely obsessed with bringing Sex With Emily to the world. Now my therapist (or maybe anyone who took Psych 101) might say that I use work to avoid commitment. Oops. Look at the time. We’ll have to circle back to that in another post.

Julia, how did those giant stuffed animals get to LA? Did they hijack your suitcase? Please explain. More importantly, where did you get a picture of Craigslist Justin’s abs? I just need to know. On to their date, I could actually see Julia formulating her thoughts – “Hmm. I don’t want to make-out with him, but he must be good for something with those abs... Let’s see, I know! I’ll have him move my boxes.” You go, girl. Way to delegate.

Amy, this date with AB is painful. I want to send him back to Saudi Arabia, but not until I unslick his hair. That’s what I think about that. You dodged a bullet, girlfriend.

But help me here, because I can’t decide if it was more painful watching Julia break up with Craigslist-abs-of-steel-box-mover or Amy telling AB at dinner that he had hurt her. Wait, I know what was painful -- dinner with my brother when he brought up work. Work has been stressful lately. We were eating dumplings and he wants to talk business and yet he won’t even try a c-ring? Then he wants to talk about my belief that you never should rely on a man (or anyone) to take care of you. I’m not convinced my mom gave me bad advice, but I think Michael had a point that people can have healthy dependency on someone.

Then he mentioned something about me sabotaging myself. That doesn’t feel completely accurate. I think things weren’t happening, because I wasn’t in alignment with what I truly wanted. Everything happens when you’re really ready emotionally, physically, and psychologically, and most importantly, know exactly what you want. I think I’m getting closer, and so goes the journey. Until next time. Next Monday that is. Oh boy.