Never Initiate

I’ve had the pleasure of knowing Emily and Julia for several years, and I truly admire them both. They’re strong, successful women, and a lot of fun. And I’m well aware of the fact that there are going to be different opinions among the relationship experts. With that in mind, while I do respect the other women’s opinions, I can say with confidence that MY RULES WORK. They serve a great purpose. Trust me, they have been used to great success with hundreds of clients over the seven years of my business. Lately, I’ve been reminded of the truth of the rules, as I’ve used them myself! Now that I am dating again after the AB hiatus, I can attest to the fact that whenever I go against the very rules that I have laid out with purpose for my daters, I get burned. There should be nothing surprising about that.

No one is perfect, and dating is not easy. But I realize now more than ever how important it is to have a clear guide for how to date, and how to handle the challenge of it. (I believe this so much I wrote a book about it! Out in August from St Martin’s. More here! If my new dating experience has done anything, it has reinforced my confidence in the guidelines and advice I give my clients. And it’s reminded me that the rules are for everyone: matchmaker, expert, dater, or Dr. Phil (OK, he’s married, so nevermind).

The rules aren’t cumbersome, and they don’t compose a long, rambling list, either. They are few and they are simple -- easy for practically anyone to follow. Unfortunately, no one follows the rules all the time. It’s hard when your own heart is involved. The important thing is to look back on a situation and own your mistakes -- and learn from them. With my clients, I have them give me feedback after every date, and check in every week so we can talk about what’s happening. You’d be amazed how much you can improve as a dater when you spend some time reflecting. And you’d be amazed what men will tell their matchmaker about what they like and don’t like in a woman’s behavior. And I’ve got 7 years of feedback to tell me what I should have known:

I lost my marbles for a second with my phone call to “farm boy” Lewis. (And he’s 28! Yikes!) A woman should NEVER call a man, never text him first, and certainly never ask him out on a date. Men like to chase! And there’s nothing more unattractive then a woman who takes that role from him, and becomes the one chasing.

I’m fully aware I should have not called Lewis. That’s why I’m single and my guys and girls are in happy successful relationships! Ha! I have certainly been a lot better at being the coach for you over my 7 years then being on the field myself. But this is good. This is very good. No pain, no gain. And it’s time for me to have a little work and personal life balance in my life for once.

Anyway, the most annoying part is that Lewis is kind of growing on me. With his dopey smile and goofy farm boy laugh (LOL!). What is really unfair is the fact that he somewhat resembles Superman and right now he’s distracting me from my recent upset meeting with AB. Unlike THAT situation however, this time around with Lewis, I am going to stay in control and keep a wise guard up. I’m not just going to fling my heart and emotions to him. I have to admit, it’s rather nice going out on a date, even if it was a cheesy one. Ice-skating, hot chocolate, and chicken pot pie? I haven’t ice-skated in years -- longer then I’ve been celibate, but who’s counting?! I actually had a great time. I honestly enjoyed myself. It feels good. So this is what my clients feel like on their dates! Maybe I should do this more often!The only thing that would keep me away from dating would be from seeing my girl Emily with what’s his name! Wow, what was that? Or should I say, who does that? Ha, he does, I suppose. I wanted to fly in like Wonder Woman with the blue bottoms and white stars with lasso in hand and save her! If Miss Em were my client (I would be honored!), I would tell her gorgeous self that we all want to be nice, but that doesn’t mean we have to say yes in order not to hurt someone’s feelings. We must be kind yet firm. Sweet but assertive. Feminine yet confident. Men love that, I promise you. I know because my male clients tell me constantly that it turns them on.

On top of that, it saves you from a date spent flying down the rabbit hole! Emily looked like she was getting a root canal under that smile. Maybe he didn’t realize it, but Em, my sweets, I knew it! You can’t hide that stuff from me, I could totally tell. Trust me ladies, you don’t owe it to anyone to waste your time. “Thanks but no thanks” was definitely in order.

And JULIA! I feel for her, and I couldn’t watch her beg that guy for a kiss! Here’s exactly what I believe happened. When Chris explained to Julia that men actually “like a girl who initiates some of the time,” I immediately called BS and screamed it to the TV set. Yes, he was lying! Don’t believe that malarkey. No, men do not like it when a girl initiates. I don’t care what men might tell you, males want to pursue the female. Period. Any guy will lose interest once they sense a woman is aggressive in pursuing him. Our DNA doesn’t work that way.

That’s clearly what happened as Julia dialed up the pressure for a kiss. I’m assuming she was simply going off of Chris’ random comment that “guys like a proactive woman.” Oh, it annoys me just to think of that outright lie! I’m sure Julia was feeling a bad case of mixed messages, and my heart went out to her when she was pretty much rejected by him. If the lovely Julia were my client (my most fun, if she were!) I would remind her of this pesky little fib sometimes told to women and what my rules are in sitting back and letting the guy do the legwork. You can respond and influence throughout courting, but never initiate. Ever.

Meanwhile, her hot roommate is in the same room successfully making out with the bimbo blonde. So awkward! But I can already tell Chris wasn’t her type anyway. I would have never matched those two together if they were my clients. Yes, he was cute. Yes, he was fit. Yet it was immediately obvious he’s too regimented (with a splash of judgmental) for her speed. These are not bad traits, per se, but the prototype does not match what Julia needs. That’s OK, because not everyone is going to be a match. I could have saved them both a lot of time, though.

I believe that Julia needs someone who is driven, talented, perhaps even traditional, but also has a creative and open side that is amused by Julia and appreciates her for being her. I don’t think Chris gets it and he probably is more suited with a southern girl who is an LA transplant, who is a bit more bland, yet with a faux edge about her. I think that’s good enough for Chris. So Julia, my dear, onwards and upwards!