Fear of Rejection

Sometimes even the best of us can complicate things that should be very simple. I have my very short, simple rules for women in the early stages of dating: Do not be the one to initiate. Do not send the first text. Do not make the first phone call. And do not ask him out. Ever. Even if you’re feeling insecure, hoping he’ll call, and secretly a bit sad because you haven’t heard from him yet, you need to sit back, keep busy, and stay confident. No matter what. Of course, this is easier said then done. Especially when it’s YOUR heart involved. However, it must be done, and at all costs.

And if you haven’t heard from this person as soon as you expected, you get to choose whether it’s still worth a chance or whether it’s gone too long. If it’s the latter, then you simply have to teach people how to treat you and move on. You can’t, however, have it both ways. As you saw, I struggled after my talk with Lorenzo. I was thrown off course a little bit. At first, I was excited to see Lewis, and the fact that he hadn’t texted or called lately was merely a side thought. However, after my chat with the “prince” himself (I love saying that LOL!) I really started doubting myself, my choice to accept a date with a 28-year-old, and exactly how in control of things I really might be. Our chat stuck with me. But I still did make the decision to say yes to a date with Lewis when he finally did call. Here is where it gets hairy, when I tell people that you can’t have it both ways. If and when you do decide to give a person another chance though, there may be a few warning signs he’s not that serious, then you need to mean it. You need to actually go on the date with a positive attitude and trust you’ll make good decisions. I did not. I went into this date with Lorenzo’s voice in the back of my mind. I can’t blame this all on him of course, as I was the one who let it throw me off and let my insecurities set in. As women, we need to keep our eye on this and stay level-headed at all times. We have to trust ourselves. We have to believe that we are confident people, who can have fun simply getting to know someone, without tripping ourselves up by over-analyzing prematurely or feeling insecure about whether someone is liking us or not.

It’s safe to say I have a fear of rejection, made worse by the fact that I have gone a long time being in control of every element in my life and orchestrating the experiences of my clients. So now that I have dusted off my own dating shoes and gone back out onto the dating dance floor, I’m realizing for the first time why I’ve stood so long on the sidelines helping everybody else find a partner -- by not dating, I’ve been avoiding the possibility of rejection. I’ve also been avoiding the fear of the toughest question -- am I good enough for this person to like me? The fear of that question has been keeping me from focusing on my own dating life and behind the matchmaking chair. Yet, in order to be happy, I’m discovering we all have to confront our deepest insecurities to get over whatever is holding us back. Well, this is mine. Avoiding situations that bring to the surface that fear will never work. EVER. It always comes full circle back until you deal with it. So I’ve decided to confront this head on. And even though I made a bit of a fool out of myself by complaining to Lewis that I hadn’t heard from him, I’m using this as a lesson learned. “OK,” I’m telling myself, “I have this flaw I need to work on. I made a mistake.” I fully intended to have a great night anyway and enjoy salsa dancing with Lewis despite the blunder I surprisingly made, and you know what? I did. Lewis certainly had some impressive moves on the dance floor, after all! Mistake or not, I’m happy with how the night went and proud of turning around an embarrassing moment into a really enjoyable evening. The kiss wasn’t too shabby either.

Heading Off the Bitch