Food, Sex, and Decorating

There's no such thing as a favorite child at Bravo. Each of our shows warms the cocles of my heart in different ways, but there's something especially delightful about Million Dollar Decorators. Perhaps its because all of these folks are so outrageously talented, so remarkable witty and off-kilter, and so delightfully enamored of each other, that this show has me grinning so mightily. Or maybe it's because Jacqueline has been sharing some of that wine she bought for Kathryn's birthday party. . .

Let's begin at the very beginning with Mary McDonald. Mary McDonald is not kidding around. Glamor is stuck to her. She spends $5 million in a heartbeat. She has about 25 pugs. She was the inspiration for Karen from Will & Grace. Are you someone who is not Mary McDonald? Yeah, you can pretty much just sit down then because she has you beat. In this episode Mary is starting a rehaul of a phenomenal guest house to match her impeccable design in the main home. How does the guest house currently look: "suicidally depressing." If that's Mary's definition of suicide I'd hate for her to see anywhere that most humans live, because I think it would be like that movie The Happening, with people giving up on the world left and right, particularly John Leguizamo. (Am I the only person who has ever made a reference to The Happening?)

We go from one delightful human to the next, checking in with Martyn Lawrence Bullard, silver fox extraordinaire. In his charge this week is Sharon Osbourne. Let's start by addressing his voice: it's perhaps one of the most wonderful sounds I've ever heard. Listen as he pronounces things like "delicious," "light the money," and "Ze---bra." The man is the definition of dapper. After much ballyhoo-ing on paint, Barcelona chairs, the proper rug, and an extremely rushed instillation, Sharon arrives and the interaction is something like this:

signature Sharon Osbourne high-pitched tone: "Oh Martyn, it's delightful. You are like Harry Potter. Why am I not as skinny as this statue? Oh Martyn."

Martyn British gentleman tone: "Oh Sharon, of course, here are your storage cupboards."

Obviously I'm paraphrasing a bit, but it was about that glorious. Mrs. Osbourne didn't even come close to biting the head off of a bat. She was so effusive! Instead they walked in circles around the house saying precious things to each other and sort of cooing. This in itself could be a show: "Sharon and Martyn Look at Well Decorated Homes." I'd DVR it.

As we go along down our merry trail of decorators we come to the lovebirds Jeffrey Alan Marks (heretofore known as JAM) and Ross. They pair are not only a couple in love, but in business as well. Meaning that they have to come to a consensus on many topics such as which French deck chairs are wrong, the proper portholes for restaurants, which Demetra/Dimitra should handle what, and how to was their dog Chessie (from the looks of Chessie's face there is no way to do it that pleases her). Something that's not hotly contented is how much Ross looks like Sex and the City's Smith Jared, because that's just truth. I'm looking forward to seeing lots more of them, particularly much more of that fish wallpaper in their kitchen -- divine!

You can say plenty of things about our network creating trailblazing shows about food or fashion, but personally I think the work we've done in capturing best friends is one for the books. This season on RHONY we've got new BFFs Kelly and Cindy, but in the past we've conquered new ground in friendship contracts and the like. And so when we see Mary and Nathan together it's immediately clear that they are going to be the new cutest pals in the Bravo universe. And what a delightful friend would Nathan be to have? He admits he grew up spoiled, has a dog named nacho, and gives people birthday cakes that are replicas of their chest.

And finally I circle around to Kathryn Ireland. Like all of the MDDs, she's a heavy hitter in the industry. The woman has about a million fabrics and books to her credit, and so if she wants a birthday party with guacamole and some wine, she should have it. However, putting her teenage sons and French maid in charge might not have been the correct plan of attack. Particularly when this is happening right before hand.

"Don't do that! I hate it when people try to drown other people."

Who needs caterers when you have sons that are trying to drown each other, am I right? And in the words of Mary McDonald, having your kids cook for you is a great activity: "Now that is something good you can get your kids to do." Does it matter that they drove away during the day and left you to prep a bit yourself? Or that they spread a high level of germs into your food? Not at all. Because they did it with love! And what of your French maid who only brought you six bottles of wine she mostly quaffed herself? Also not a problem -- because she's the greatest maid in the history of the world, wearing the best glasses I've seen in quite some time.

Because when the sun finally set and the party got kicking, all was as it should be with your decorator pals imbibing the margaritas and what wine their was and toasting to a season of amazing times, which I'm pretty pumped about. What will happen next? Will Kathryn's children drown each other before she installs that all candle chandelier? Will Mary's client get that piano she wanted in the divorce? Will Martyn and Sharon call each other just to bask in each others greatness? Until next week. . .