Oh, Sweet Charity

First of all, I have a pledge to make to all of you. I'm going to try and never say "Owwwww!" again. Seriously. As I watched this episode, I cringed every time I yelled that, and I feel like a frat guy in a bar who screams "Wassup!" or "Show me the Money!" I Promise to work on that. I'm not afraid to work on our relationship.

Also, I know I'm going a little out of order here, but you need to know that Nick Carter wanted me bad. But I am following all "The Rules" with him, so I'm not going to call him until he calls me so that he'll want me more. And although two months have passed, I know it's very difficult for him. However, I am a temptress, and he knew that when he fell in love with me in the first place.

I feel like at my age, I can be open with my parents about wanting to be promiscuous, because at this point, who really gives a shit? And we never had that talk when I was 18. Or ever. I never had the whole birds and bees talk with my mother, but being Catholic I'm sure her version of it would have been infused with angels, the Holy Ghost, and a lot of swearing.

Onto Michigan... As you probably know, I am a Midwesterner, and so I thought I knew how to speak to my people. What I learned on this trip was that attendees of a chili cook-off in Michigan might not be "my people." And apparently "Welcome to the Chili Cook-off Motherfuckers" is not an appropriate greeting to them. Even if you yell "Owwwww!" afterwards.

But I would like some props for going to the chili cook-off and the Home and Garden Expo, and here's why: Not only would an A-list celeb NEVER have to do those things -- and yeah, I'm talking to you, Bullock -- But don't act like any of you would want to go either. I farted for 36 hours straight afterward and I don't care if plants even live or die. I'm sorry, Al Gore.

My Michigan shows were lukewarm at best, and you know giving away free tickets is a more painful decision for me than Meryl Streep had to make in "Sophie's Choice." There's just something about people who get free tickets that makes them not laugh as hard.

Which holds true for the charity crowd as well... I have not stopped apologizing to Erica Courtney, who if she has a brain in her head, clearly regrets getting me involved in her Jewelers for Children event. And every time I do apologize, she lovingly tells me that I didn't bomb at all. Clearly, she is taking denial lessons from my mother, the expert.

My mother is a professor in Denial Studies. She has degrees from Harvard and Yale. And Cal State Long Beach. (And yes, that's a callback to a joke in another blog. It's not my fault if you're not keeping up.)

Oooh -- that reminds me of a story: One time after a gig, Tiffany's mother actually came up to me and said, "Stop saying Tiffany didn't graduate high school -- I spent a lot of money on that college loan." I hate to tell her that all that money probably went to beer, boys and pot parties. Oh Tiffany...

Back to the charity gig... God I hate being charitable. It sucks, and is an utter waste of anyone's time. I'd like it to stop right now. Why did I have to do a show for Jewelers for Children anyway. Can't children make their own jewelry, out of Cheerios or something? Why do they need a jeweler to give them jewelry? Okay, maybe that's not what the charity actually does. But how 'bout me giving them 10 grand of my own money? 10 grand! 10,000 dollars is the same amount of money that Donald Trump -- who has I believe more money than I do -- gave to Wesley Autrey, that guy in New York who jumped onto the subway tracks to cover another man who had fallen, with his own body. Also, for the record, 10 grand could buy you a billboard in Los Angeles for about seven days. And yes, that's another callback to a joke in another blog. What do you want me to do, come to your house and read the blogs to you? Do your homework, people.

One more thing: Tom being the waiter at Texas Corral is one of my favorite moments from the whole series, as is any moment when a bunch of girls can torture Tom in any way. And by the way, Tom really was a waiter at T.G.I. Fridays for 17 years. He claims he doesn't have any of his "flair" any more, but I don't believe him. Keep watching the show, everybody. In one of the episodes, I perform at a prison. I also host the gay porn awards. And yes, those are two different events.