Home Swearing Network

Who knew it was so hard to be Suzanne Somers? She must be exhausted running that empire of hers, what with all those homemade sugar substitutes, Thigh Masters, and baubles. I've always had a dream to leave my successful stand-up comedy career behind, and become a sell-out. What's it gonna take for you people? But we'll get to my taking over the world of merchandising in a bit.

First, on the homefront: So, I'm trying to get my mom to move into my house, and it's been like that book "He's Just Not That Into You" because I feel like with my mom, I'm dating a dude who's kind of leading me on, but I think he's got other chicks on the side. My mom is also doing that book "The Rules," where she plays hard to get, and I have to keep calling her, trying not to sound too desperate on the phone.

My favorite thing is that my mom told me she didn't want to decide right away if she wanted to come live with me because she "wanted to take a few years to think about it." She's 86. I'm not going to press her for an answer until she's into her early 120s -- you can't rush these things. I would have to wait for my mom's response until after my gig in my hometown of Chicago.

I just have to say that I love whenever I get to go on a field trip and I get to bring Tom, Tiffany, and Jessica. We have such a blast on the road together. We just laugh all the time. And if they're not laughing, I order them to.

I try to see Tom Murphy, my high school lover, as often as I can. I actually just saw Tom and met his partner last weekend in Orlando where they live. Great guys. Great friends. So, I was really excited Tom could come to Chicago and hang out for a couple of days. Unfortunately, there was a dinner that Tom and I had with our other high school pals, Barb and Lisa (who we still see a lot) that got left, as they say, on the cutting room floor. Big ups to Oak Park High! And yes, we still say "Big Ups" in Oak Park.

I think my visit to J.P.'s school as a guest speaker will land me a permanent position there. I'm pretty sure I'm now certified to be a teacher, which is great, because my mom always wanted me to have something to fall back on.

He must be so proud of me. I'm a role model. Like Venus and Serena Williams. Or Trishelle from "Real World Las Vegas." Oh well, you know what I say to those 11-year-olds? "F*** 'em if they can't take a joke."

Regarding my double date with Claire, here's the most uncomfortable part: Claire doesn't put out, and I do. She totally c*ck-blocked me. Later on, my girlfriends and I are gonna TP her house. Whatever...I hate school. Boys are dumb. Kathy+Claire 4-ever.  It was OK though because Claire's tennis instructor wasn't my only option -- I had Ron Jeremy.

Ron Jeremy is the most famous person with whom I have ever walked down the street. And I have walked down the street with Brooke Shields. And Rosie O'Donnell -- the day after her fight with Elizabeth Hasselbeck. Ron Jeremy blows them out of the water.

What I like about Ron is that he's very smart and he's very sweet. I have never seen his work, but one thing he does that I think is really cool, is that he travels the country debating conservatives and various religious types about porn and the First Amendment, which I think is fascinating. I was hoping that we could have filmed one of those debates, but he didn't have one scheduled that week. But some day, I'd love to go see him do one -- I hear he's very good at it. Yeah, that's right. I'm demanding. I want a good debater, not just a gigantic c*ck. I'll see you at the podium.

Back to business: HSN was stressful for me because I thought it stood for "Home Swearing Network." Wrong. I was nervous, and I ended up buying some of the products I was selling, which I don't think would be good for me if I did this long term -- I'd end up just buying everything. I'm in the process of trying to develop products that I can make myself and sell.

The first one, of course will be "Kathy's Cake Soup," but it will be difficult to ship, as it is already half-melted when you make it. Also, I was thinking of selling hugs, but I don't know how to package them. Jessica! Get me Somers on line 2!

KG