D-list: The New Season Begins

Okay, everybody, it's a new season, and I got a lot to talk about, so I'm just gonna get right into it...POLICE CHIEF TIM - MY HERO

Here's what I want to say about Chief Tim: I LOVE him! And not just because he gave me a police escort (although that didn't suck) but because he's straight AND he thought I was hot. Everybody on the crew kept saying he had to be gay because they couldn't believe that a straight guy could have such a huge crush on me. Well screw you, crew! Just because the man gave me flowers does not mean he's gay.

Now Dr. Hong on the other hand - I'm pretty sure he's gay. And I'm gonna take him up on that Pap Smear. A girl can never be too careful. (Hmm, I wonder if I can get Chief Tim to give me a police escort to Dr. Hong's office...) "I'M A HELPING TELEVISION WHORE."

I'm glad we surprised Prakash, that woman with arthritis. She was so, so sweet. A little too sweet if you ask me. If I had arthritis, I wouldn't be sweet. Hell, I'm not sweet now, and I'm totally healthy. All I'm saying is, it would've been way funnier if Prakash was sicker and meaner. Ah whatever, it was fun. And I got some free press out of the deal, so everybody wins. Except Prakash I guess... what with the arthritis and all...

MY VAGINA CHARITY

Okay, I'm not even going to get into the whole eBay debacle. The entire thing was just too devastating and infuriating. How can they let people just bid and bid and bid, and then not make them deliver on their bids?

I'll tell you one thing - if I ever find out who the guy was who bid 28 grand and then bailed out, I'm gonna show up at his house, move in, and then not leave until he writes a $28,000 check to V-Day. You can mess with me all you want, people - but when you start messing with my vagina charity, that's when it starts getting ugly.

Anyway, the press I did for V-Day was a lot of fun. Jimmy Kimmel was great, and the Tyra show went way better than I expected, and I got to do the whole catwalk thing which I love because it lets me pretend to be a supermodel and I don't even have to make myself throw up or do coke or anything.... BUT, what you didn't see on my show was the guitar I had to lug around with me.

Okay, backstory: Earlier this year, I bullshitted my way into the gift suite at the Grammy Awards, even though I really had no business being there, but you know me - I love gifts. And I love suites. So, while I was there, these people from the Gibson company gave me a guitar, and, like a fool, I volunteered to get a bunch of celebrities to sign it and then we could sell it on eBay and give the money to charity. I know, I know, enough with the charities already. What can I say, I'm a sucker for a cause. So now I'm out doing press for my vagina charity, and everywhere I go, I have to bring this damn guitar.

But Jimmy and Tyra were wonderful, and they both signed it. And Damien Marley was a guest on Jimmy's show, and he signed it.

So now I have a Gibson guitar signed by Jimmy Kimmel, Tyra Banks, and Damien Marley that I could sell on eBay for charity, but if I did that then somebody would probably just bid $28,000 and then back out at the last minute, so instead I just gave up and put the guitar in my garage.

LOUSIVILLE LOVES ME

Okay, so maybe you wouldn't know it by the turnout for Kathy Griffin Day, but I do have a key to the city now. And a mug and some other crap. And my stand-up show that night went really great. Plus, I discovered this totally insanely delicious sandwich called The Hot Brown. It's named after the Brown Hotel, and it's soooo good! It's got all this cheese, and ham, and turkey -- and it's served in a bowl, like a casserole.

But of course, I was on my goddamn diet when I was in Louisville, so I could only have like two bites of my Hot Brown. But once I decide to get fat again, I am going back to Louisville and eating Hot Browns for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Oh, and one last thing about Louisville. I've been reading my message boards.... (Which I do occasionally. And by occasionally, I mean obsessively.) And I've been seeing some posts from people who are angry about my "red state humor" and how I'm totally ignorant about the red states. And I just want to say that I have nothing but love for the red states. I just make fun of Republicans and Conservatives in general. That doesn't mean I hate them, just that I enjoy making fun of them.

Kind of like how I feel about Celine Dion. Except the Republicans don't have a show in Vegas. But if they did, I'd be in the front row.