A Very Special Blossom

Season 3, people. Can you believe it's finally here? And seriously, is this an action packed first episode or what? I honestly think the people at Bravo are trying to kill me.

Some people would call this "episode 1," or, if you're a TV geek, you might call it "episode 301" but personally, I call this episode "A very special 'Blossom'" -- because I cry like a big dumb girl. When I watch episodes of the show, I actually do watch them as a viewer so that when I blog I'll talk about the episodes like it's not me on that screen, but some other beautiful, sexy 28-year-old with a super hot body.

First off, I really hope you like Tom and Tiffany, the new team members. Bravo's calling them "characters." That's when Tiffany found out how cold show business is --- when she was officially referred to as a "character." Poor Tiff...

Meanwhile, Tom's friends are ecstatic that he's on the show because now they get to post mean things about him all over the internet. Mostly that he has fake teeth and is a moron but only one of those is true...

One of my favorite things about watching the show is seeing my Mom and Dad because they really do say stuff on camera that I don't see coming, like Ryan Seacrest during Idol auditions...or Wednesdays.

I swear I did not know they were trolling gay bars. As many of you may know, my Dad passed away a couple of months ago. It's obviously been a really tough time, but what's really nice for our family is that, because of the show, we have such a great record of my dad's last weeks -- when he was really himself. So enjoy him on the show. I know I do.

And hey, how about that backstage footage at "The View?" I mean seriously, who knew? What can I say -- they were all getting along that day.

By the way, does everybody know that I bought my own D-List billboard in Los Angeles because Bravo was too cheap to pay for it? Swear to God. And guess how much they cost: $26,000 for ONE MONTH. Jesus Christ. I didn't realize how much money that was until just now, typing it out. I guess I really shouldn't have expected Bravo to pay for a billboard because they wouldn't even pay to film my Carnegie Hall show.

However I must say, that the editing in that segment was superb. Just so you know, I have nothing to do with the editing of the shows so I love watching those moments. I thought they did a great job with that old footage. Hilarious stuff. Come on, admit it: you want to have dinner with Joan Rivers too. Don't act so high and mighty about this.

Seriously, that dinner went on for hours -- there was so much stuff I wish I could have shown you all. We were eating with a bunch of Joan's rich, high society friends and everyone was wearing couture. I loved it. I bought a new Chanel jacket just for the occasion but I got it at an outlet mall so it was out of season and I was covered in sweat, wearing a winter jacket when it was about 73 degrees out.

Oh Coco... Just so everybody knows -- I'm still not speaking to Liza and as is the case with all my celebrity fights, she has no idea that we are in a fight. But I just feel like I needed her to be there for me, as I have been there for her so many times...even though I've never met her. I just wanted her to come backstage at Carnegie Hall and say something gay and fabulous like, "Look who it is? It's Kathy with a K!" And then she would hug me so tightly one of her fake eyelashes would get stuck in my hair.

As you may expect, I've had to hire extra security for Jessica and frankly she has compromised the safety of my home with her legions of fans standing outside my front door chanting her name night and day. She has become utterly unapproachable and has fired me three times in the last six months. Tiffany, Tom and I are scared shitless of her because of her ardent fans: the "Jessi-mates."

Meanwhile, Tiffany is also scared that she'll be found out as a charlatan. Even though she tells me that she has a degree from Cal. State Long Beach -- or some other inconsequential school in California -- I'm still convinced that Tiffany attends high school in the evenings.

I've actually caught her lying about her age...twice. I think she might be about 15 and every time I see her in the morning I feel like Joe Francis, waking up with an under-aged coed he just videotaped.

That's all for now. Don't miss episode 2. I promise, I don't cry in that one!