Still Processing

I thoroughly enjoyed my afternoon with Chloe and Jenni. In addition to lunch at Lucifer's Pizza (one of my favorites), we also took her to Pinkberry and the pet store. I was told by Ryan not to buy anything, but Chloe really wanted a fish for her room. We named her Teresa after Ryan's new housekeeper. Teresa (Ryan's housekeeper) did not seem amused, but Chloe and I thought it was funny. I had to remind Chloe to feed Teresa (the fish) everyday because I heard she forgot a few times. I find that suprising considering Chloe has one of the best memories of anyone I know. I know that there are a few things that I should not have taught Chloe, but those were all done in the past. I respected Ryan's wishes and did not teach her anything new. "Girls Gone Wild","Chardonnay", and "Hooters" were all things she learned (by me) a year ago. If I had to do it all over, I'm fairly certain I wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

Even though this episode's events happened a few months ago, I am still processing it. I had to watch the episode again in order to write this blog. I'd rather I hadn't. I am still not clear as to why Ryan would deceive me. I have made a lot of bad choices in my life and behaved inexusably. Sometimes when bad things happen to me, I feel I deserve it. Jenni calls it the "Karma Boomerang Effect." This time, I do not feel I deserved it. I am trying so hard to find the lesson in this, but I still can't see it. I am just so hurt and disappointed. Usually, when someone hurts me, I want to see them hurt or upset. This is an unusual situation because I would never want to see Ryan hurt or upset. Normally, I just channel my feelings into anger and revenge. This time is different because I am just sitting here with my sadness not knowing what to do with it. It looks like I will be going back to therapy (again). It feels so bad.