Polk Me!

Final Four. Vancouver madness. The chefs are forced to walk through the rain from the airport. I would gladly walk through the rain in Vancouver over 112 F in Dallas. Loved Texas, but it was the hottest summer I have ever experienced. 

You expect Padma to pop up at any moment and surprise them with a Quickfire in the airport parking lot. And that’s exactly what happens in note form. Lindsay is still harping on herself. Bev is still on cloud nine but seems more assertive than before. They have their snowsuits on. Bev may have A Christmas Story moment at any time, falling down in her snowsuit and unable to get up. Windy at the top of Whistler and Tom and Padma are literally getting blown away. Tom is dressed in his Merchant Marine best, but the man looks pretty warm. I need to chat up wardrobe all nice and stuff to get that type of parka. 

I paid no attention to the rules, so this should be interesting. Gondala. Cook. Stop. Cook. 

Paul is having travel sickness due to his orange pants. Sarah is all over the place. Bev is focused, or as focused as Bev can be. Lindsay is pretending this is like hunting gator in a Jon boat in the Okefenokee swamp. She is dressed like a Bond villainess, white turtleneck with black hat, making this gator hunt more interesting. I always loved the Bond skiing scenes. Gretchen Bleiler and Gail the Canadian are the guest judges. I was usurped by a multi-medalled Olympian. Whatevs. They eat Paul’s lamb with enoki, juniper, and wasabi, and we get like no reaction. Sounds like a juggling act of many, many powerful flavors. We are right back to Sarah. It’s a chorizo dish with prune juice and gooseberries. It’s like Spanish food for old people with an out-of-season fruit. Bev is menu planning for the future. She loves the dish and the thought of creating all menus on a moving metal crate in the freezing cold. She is having one installed back in Chicago. Sarah can use it when she asks really nicely and apologizes for all past meanness. Bev has made a salmon tartare with anchovy, horseradish crème fraiche, and crispy capers. This is straight out of the 1992 playbook, which yes, I am guilty of using as well. Lindsay is cooking for a trio of people when she is facing a quartet. She has not caught any f--king gators on this miserable trip. Her dish is a salmon with quinoa, chorizo, and horseradish vinaigrette. 

Paul gets a passable. Gretchen loved the wasabi. Sarah gets a nod because gooseberries gave it some acid. Bev gets hugged for knife-work. Lindsay’s salmon was beautifully cooked. It was a gondola, people. Again, Lindsay thinks she sucked, and lo and behold, they loved it.  She wins, and hopefully gets some self-assurance. You are in the final round of Top Chef. Realize you rock. You rock. Enjoy. 

Hotel moments at the fabulous Fairmont. The Fairmont has all the old CN hotels in Canada and they are beautiful spots. Go to the Banff Springs hotel someday. Sheer bliss. Stayed at the one in Vancouver, and it was the lap of luxury. Don’t tell the producers that I am happy in a broom closet. As long as there is running water, a Twister game, a framed picture of Ken Dryden, and two packs of those colored Nat Sherman Fantasia cigarettes like my aunt used to smoke, my rider has been met.Sarah and Paul are having a discussion about Bev, while Bev washes her hands and face with Lady Macbeth-like concentration. “Out, damned spot! out, I say!” Sarah calls her the “Silent Horse.” It’s Dark Horse, Silly Sarah! Go research some Polk. Which when I did, brought up this weirdo tidbit… From Whitehouse.gov: 

“He (President James K. Polk) offered to settle by extending the Canadian boundary, along the 49th parallel, from the Rockies to the Pacific. When the British minister declined, Polk reasserted the American claim to the entire area. Finally, the British settled for the 49th parallel, except for the southern tip of Vancouver Island. The treaty was signed in 1846.” Don’t tell me I didn’t pay attention in Civics. 

And then Sarah calls Bev a tiger. Enough with the animal comparisons. Anyhoo, it's year of the dragon, that tiger stuff was like two years ago, which might be a bad omen for Bev.

More Olympians. This guy does Skeleton, which is kind of like controlling a fall down an icy set of stairs, headfirst, while holding onto a little piece of plastic with skate blades stuck to the bottom. Better you than me, handsome mountain man. He is Canadian, but no, I don’t know him. As an aside, when I was 11, my baseball coach in Atlanta asked if I spoke Canadian… he wasn’t kidding. 

The ingredients are in ice blocks. This is a Canadian traditional joke that we play on Americans, much in the same way of us giving you Corey Hart and Bryan Adams. Ice picks are brandished, but the use of a hammer with the pick never comes into play. Instead we have a Texan and two Chicagoans (albeit one from Houston) being made fools of by frozen water. Paul is helping. Nice Paul, continually being the good samaritan chef in the whole entire season. He’s quietly very self-assured. He does seem to make a gastrique (to the Google my people!) in every challenge though. What up with that, Paul? Sarah: Spinach soup with almonds and crab

Paul: Brown butter poached crab with mango chutney

Bev: Scallop with orange, buttered peas and couscous

Paul, winner winner chicken dinner. Going to Vancouver. Back to the hotel first to give positive reinforcement to Lindsay. 

Sarah and Bev into the cage. Strange, but funny, edit of Bev shooting Sarah. C'mon now guys… that was a little over-the-top. 

Biathlon! These peeps are not born X-country skiers. Lots of time on their butts. Then Bev trips up Sarah on purpose. Payback is a bitch. 

Bev shoots well and wins Artic char, celery root, truffle, fennel, and beets. Sarah has rabbit, cabbage, hazelnuts, and cherries. They get cooking, and Sarah shows that she still has a large helping of condescension to serve to Beverly. It’s not a Healthy Choice entrée. The timer goes off, and Beverly clutches her temple like her dark overlord wants her to return to base. The voices are strong with this one. Bev has cooked an Arctic Char (Best Choice from Seafood Watch!), a pretty fine fish from the farmed fish world. She’s got a beet and onion compote, some celery root with truffles, and the fish. I would have made it rain truffle shavings on that char. This is Elfen money, make it rain. There ain’t no food cost on Top Chef (actually there was on one episode of Top Chef Masters. I made salad.).

Sarah is kicking the bunny. Braised rabbit leg and heart, cherries, cabbage puree and hazelnut sauce. Kicking it German-Italian style. 

Bev gets the dreaded “Maybe overcooked” from Tom. Sarah gets the “Tough rabbit" from Gail but I think it's kind of splitting hares. Paul and Lindsay come in to visit. She and Sarah have bonded. Paul expresses support for Bev. We shall see where this winding ski run ends. 

Bev is gone. Padma had a little teary thing going on. Bev, you made Padma cry! Nobody does that. Wow.

Bottom line, all joking aside: This is a f--king hard show. Its is brutal. It’s much harder than it looks. Beverly is an unconventional chef who can do one thing that is the most important attribute in chefdom: she can cook. She can really cook. She deserved to be in the final four and I will happily arm wrestle anyone who thinks differently. Except Heather. She’d kick my ass.