Bring on the Bling

Block the bridges and close the tunnels, because this 5 car pileup is going to be a big one. These broads are WHITE-lanta at its finest hour.The hair is as big as the boobs, the French manicures are as white as the Range Rovers. Bring on the bling.

Teresa is cute and sweet, and like Jacqueline (minus the huge rack) she's everyone's friend. We find out early that the major drama of this season will stem from their friendship with that cougar-licious beating of a divorcee.

Wow! And people commented on my twins? Where do I begin? With the belly ring? Or with Gucci model? Or with the phone sex? Sweetie, get a toy. She is the controversial New Jersey version of Kim (only the broke version) and those Jersey barracudas are going to eat her alive. What I do like, though, is her ability to be honest about her relentless search for gold, how her husband left her nearly penniless and how she needs sex like a starved animal. The only thing is that I love to watch Kim because she is this larger than life pink, country-singer type caricature. This just feels sad and tragic and Caroline, the female don will take her down like a gold-digging buffalo in the wild.

Caroline is the head of the 5 families. Growing up at the racetrack, I know this woman. In some ways, I am this woman. As a kid, I had to live in Ozone Park, Queens for years at a time with this tough broad Pat. Caroline reminds me of Pat. Family is first, more so than any housewife ever. She takes it to a level where she is bragging about her car wash, strip club owning cub like a proud lioness. She's great. I love she and her husband, their love and that they came from nothing. She is the favorite. She is he secretariat in this race. She is the queen in this state where you get in for free but have to pay to leave.

I love her need to care for her sister Dina. Her husband endearingly asking about Dina's short shorts was great too. These girls definitely eat: ziti, meatballs, the whole works, but no one will get devoured like that plastic blow up doll they call Danielle.

Dina is pretty and tough and the belle of this ball. She needs to visit Zarin Fabrics and redo that cluttered gaudy mess of a house, but then again, my one bedroom apartment is no Architectural Digest shoot. With these girls, more is more. Her daughter seems cool, and we can see that her absent husband will become a pressing theme. Love the family dynamic - sisters married to brothers. Fantastic.

Jacqueline from Vegas. I wonder how she and her husband met. Judging by her set of ta-tas, I don't think it should have surprised her neighbors that she doesn't play tennis. She and Dina are due for some black eyes if they plan on shuffling around that tennis court. Jacqueline's core issue will be her difficulty getting pregnant. She also puts family first. These girls, unlike us, the OC and Atlanta aren't too narcissistic to put themselves before their kids.

Even Teresa takes it to a modest stage mom level. Her daughter is gorgeous by the way. Her husband is in construction. Fantastic. She's paying in cash. Perfect.

The kids will be more prevalent here than in our show. Caroline's daughter the bride bitch and lawyer-to-be good-looking son will be ever-present characters.

Jacqueline's sweet, but somewhat spoiled, pretty daughter may rear her brunette head. More to come here, but I appreciate that none of these kids seem over-the-top spoiled yet.

Dina's daughter seems quirky and interesting and should be friends with Ally Zarin.

I need to see more of Danielle's kids, but mommy needs to work out her sexual and financial issues first.

Oddly, the show seems similar to Atlanta and the OC and maybe our show in some ways. I found myself predicting things and even getting bored. That trailer of coming attractions from the seasons may be the best I've ever seen on Bravo, and I'm on board for sure.

Maybe they'll have viewing parties at The Brownstone where I would love to crash an Italian wedding. So many throwbacks to my degenerate childhood in this show that I may have to pay a visit.Tune in: tables are tumbling, friendships are crumbling, and the neighbors are rumbling. Jersey's here to stay.