LeeAnne: I Was in a Weakened State
"If I had been at full strength, I probably would have been strong enough to ignore [Cary], but weakened and exhausted by the disease, I jumped to defend myself."
With only a few more episodes left and having just arrived home from filming the reunion, I want to take this moment to say THANK YOU to everyone who has stuck with us throughout this rodeo adventure. We’ve enjoyed the rodeo clowns, and we’re now getting ready for some real BULL riding. So from the bottom of my southern heart, thanks for sticking around and supporting me on social media. At this point, you and your kindness are what get me through my days. So again, thank you and bless you all!
OK, let’s start with Crazy Cary: she says that I want to destroy her, her husband, her kids, and her practice. LUDICROUS.
Reality check time.
We are BOTH competitive individuals and are constantly trying to “win” situations. Sadly, when I feel poked, I have a tendency to hit below the belt with my words. As you saw last week, so does she. The only difference is that her behavior will be excused by the group while mine will not.
As an example of that, Stephanie said in her confessional, “I have so much grace for Cary because she was there for me.” It is so easy for Steph to “give grace” to Cary, but she would never consider doing the same for me. She has never afforded me the smallest amount of grace that she would even give to a stranger. I have always been and will always be held to a higher standard than these girls hold themselves. Fair? Ehhh.
I feel that in this group of women, there are three girls who truly believe that if they say it enough, everyone will believe it to be true. It’s called manipulation, and it’s a tactic they use regularly. They do this by misquoting my words, exaggerating what actually happened, or even manufacturing words that never existed at times.
But, what are you gonna do? MOVING ON.
Thank goodness for good friends who come bearing bags of fluids! After Mexico, I could barely get out of bed, so I was thrilled when Doretta stopped by to give me a good Myers cocktail before the party. I told Brandi about what Cary said for one very good reason: I am all about the truth. I will always seek the truth and make it known. Watching Cary “pretend” to be Brandi’s friend in Mexico was unsettling, and it wasn’t truthful. As someone who had spent the last year and a half protecting and supporting Brandi, I wouldn't be a very good friend if I didn’t tell her what was said about her. Kameron was very upset on the dock, and while we were all down there trying to comfort her, Cary simply stated, “They’re behavior toward me has been awful. I can’t be friends with them.” Now, that is the truth.
FLESH. EATING. BACTERIA. And I don’t mean the girls! LOL! These are three words I pray you never hear as a diagnosis. On the night we returned from Mexico, I photographed what looked like an infection on my surgical sutures and sent it to the doctor. He immediately called me back and asked me to be in his office by 7am. He cultured the infection, cleaned the infected areas, applied a topical antibiotic, and had me take an oral antibiotic right then. He later sent me on my way with instructions to rest. The fighter in me asked if sitting at my desk and working on my computer counted as resting, and he said no. Sleep was what I needed.
Walking back into the doctor’s office that morning, I was completely void of energy. I was in a constant state of exhaustion, where even the smallest task (like walking to the bathroom) would do me in. When the doctor delivered the diagnosis, my heart fell into my stomach. I was overcome with feelings of anger for not taking better care of myself while I was in Mexico and fear of not being able to kill the fast-spreading disease in time to save my breasts. Everyone I know who has survived this disease has been hospitalized for a minimum of 3 months. I just kept thinking, “I don’t have time for this,” when I should have been more concerned with my actual health.
Steph’s joke about having a “killer among us” is very hurtful. This is just another moment when Steph goes out of her way to be a mean girl. Why? She certainly doesn’t seem too afraid to say it or show up to the party. But just you wait — her fabricated fear will arrive soon enough.
Hearing Brandi tell Steph, “The one thing I’ve learned about LeeAnne is that sometimes she’s wrong; sometimes she gets fired up and mad, but she is going to be HONEST WITH YOU” was a moment that I appreciated. Why? Because for just a second, Brandi was loyal and honest about me. I know this too will pass soon, but for this brief moment, I am grateful that I let Brandi get to know me.
Now, for another example of how sweet and kind Steph is: When asked about my flesh eating bacteria her response is, “Whatever! I don’t care!” Do her faith and morals only apply sometimes, when it benefits her sugary-sweet persona? My body was quite literally being eaten alive by a fast-spreading, serious disease — something that a woman should understand and support another woman about. Instead, Steph made it a point to say she didn’t care and did so with a laugh. Is anyone getting a clearer picture of the level of low she will go to?
When I asked Brandi not to tell Cary about the disease, it was for the exact reason I mentioned: Cary acts like a bully. She loves to make fun of others (me especially) in hurtful ways. Also, it’s become clear to me that when Cary claims that I love to talk about her, she really wishes that were true. Sorry, it’s not.
Steph’s low blows didn’t stop there. When she said that I don’t have flesh eating bacteria but rather a form of dementia…girl, where is your moral compass? Don’t you know it’s not cool to joke about that stuff? I wonder how many members of your church are 1. watching, 2. know someone with dementia, and 3. are disappointed in you. Newsflash: illness/dementia = no joke. The note cards were there because I was incredibly ill and needed them to help me stay focused. Please learn to filter your insults through a less ignorant lens. Thanks.
So, Cary said that Brandi was joining the “LeeAnne train.” I just have to ask, why do you think that? Is it because Brandi couldn’t possibly have an original thought, make her own decisions or even her own friends? Is that how little you think of her? Think of where your motives are coming from; they are often selfish and trying to keep Brandi in a box.
Oh great, then there’s another “kill me now” joke. If you are actually scared, like you say, you wouldn’t be making jokes. Making light of something you claim to be terrifying is proof that you aren’t actually scared, which means it’s not actually something worth being scared of. Get your logic straight. Please. It’s confusing everyone.
When Brandi asked Cary about her statement of not wanting to be friends, she did everything BUT own it. After a few minutes of the back-and-forth, I’d had enough. It was time to bring out the note cards, which, by the way, is a method many therapists recommend as an approach to discussion, especially when it comes to serious topics. I thought that was a positive sign to the others, but what did Cary do? Poke me. “How’s that anger management going?” That's acting like a bully. If I had been at full strength, I probably would have been strong enough to ignore it, but weakened and exhausted by the disease, I jumped to defend myself.
As per her character, did Cary own what she said about Brandi’s doctor? No. Did she own that she enjoyed having the dildo come out to play in Mexico? No. Brandi was right: Cary is completely mesmerized by her own bullsh-- and everything else about herself.
There was a defining moment that confirms that Cary and I would never have gotten along: when she said, “I would never have been friends with you, and that’s the damn truth!” Alrighty then! I no longer have to wonder, and thank you for that. Then she continued to call me names under her breath until I finally broke — and the glass too, which I tossed behind me, away from everyone. Was it right? No. Was she? No. I was at my wits end, and she knew that. Watching it back, I realize what a weakened state I was in, which made it so much easier to revert back to my past behaviors (i.e. outbursts designed to quiet the room and put me back in control). At this point, I can see that my decision to begin “behavioral therapy” was the right choice. I have old ways of reacting, and while those have decreased in number, I still need coping skills to develop new ways. I see that. I am learning that I need to change. I am taking steps to make those changes, and I have. It’s not easy to change, but it’s happening. Just hang in there with me.
NANNY GATE. Wasn’t expecting that at all, y’all. Did you see my face? I was shocked but felt some strange relief that last year when I said there were rumors everywhere, I was right. If the rumors made it all the way to Plano, they are only growing.
Now, I am exhausted. What a night. I could easily trade lives with Sleeping Beauty right now. This rodeo is almost wrapped up, so until next time, I’ll see ya on my social media!
#LoveLeeAnne
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